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On Saturday, the Brown Department of Public Safety saved the world yet again, this time by unearthing and disbanding an underground network of totalitarian servitude led by Jonathon Calafisto '11. The slavery ring, which many students are referring to as "another example of Jon being a total douche," may have possibly affected students in up to two and a half grad center suites.
Andrea Sloane '10, one of Calafisto's most abject serfs, recounts the origin of the oppression: "Simon said sit down. So I sat down. And then Simon said stand up. So I stood up."
Sloane suggests that the treachery didn't end there.
"He then told me to give him my iPhone and my wallet, but I'm not one to be fooled, so I didn't. .But then Simon said to give him my iPhone and my wallet, so I really had no choice."
Authorities are puzzled by the amount of loyalty shown by many of these browbeaten vassals.
"When Simon says to put on the shackles and dance, I put on the shackles and dance," began Al Mireau '11. "I've never lost a game of Simon Says. And that certainly won't change today."
Others were lucky enough to escape the brewing storm before it was too late.
"I'm so embarrassed. I. I can't believe I lost like that so early on," recalled Paula Freeman '11. "Simon never said to stop doing jumping jacks. HE NEVER SAID TO STOP DOING JUMPING JACKS. 'SIMON DIDN'T SAY!' FUCK!"
Calafisto, the mastermind behind this ever-growing web of drudgery, insists that he has committed no wrongdoing whatsoever. He was arrested on Saturday, but has since escaped after eliciting the cooperation of the sole prison guard.
At a press conference yesterday, prison guard Chris French confessed, "Simon said 'let me go,' so I let him go." He continued, "In this life, there are few rapports as sacred as that between Simon and subject. And I respect that."
Many are also starting to investigate the notions that this trellis of evil is merely some sick sort of 'game.' DPS Chief Patrick Handrick speculated, "I suppose Calafisto wants us to think he's the next Jigsaw. .You know, he's the guy from the Saw movies. .Oh, you've never seen them? Yeah, me either actually. But I hear they're pretty good. Where was I? Oh, yes. Pollution. It's uhhh. it's. bad. Yeah. ...Right?"
The episode evokes memories of a similar case that surfaced in a Florida suburb three years ago, in which a class of kindergartners acquiesced to the heinous commands of a wicked gym teacher. Evidence suggests that the children were driven to put their hands on their heads, jump up and down numerous times, and even recite the alphabet backwards.
"Nobody should ever have to jump up and down that many times," recalled a janitor who witnessed the events firsthand. "Nobody."
Smaller cases have also been reported across the nation involving numerous day camp counselors and fun-loving babysitters. The conspiratorial nature of the case has even led some to hypothesize that these slave drivers are merely puppets, vessels through which a far greater being has been issuing his sinister mandates.
Back at Brown, the search for this mortal evil is unflagging.
"We don't know his last name," said Brown Public Safety Officer Patricia "Patty" Salvo, "so we're arresting all of the Simons in Providence, just to be safe."
