Partly Cloudy, 64°
Astronomers have detected a massive burning ball of gas on an apparent collision course with the horizon, according to a late afternoon emergency press release by Harvard Observatory Chief Astronomer Frank Seagrave.
"At first it appeared to be just an abnormally bright star, but it soon became clear that it was far too close and too large to be a star. I don't know how this could have gone unnoticed for so long."
Current estimates place the impact time at some point after 5 p.m. this evening, and although FEMA and other agencies are scrambling to respond, experts fear there may simply not be enough time to evacuate the Midwestern cities that will be obliterated when the enormous molten orb smashes into the ground.
"That thing is almost as big as those clouds over there. It looks like anyone within about 20 miles of the impact will be melted almost instantly by the intense heat," explains Seagrave. "We don't yet know exactly what a safe distance is, but right now we are advising that all US citizens be prepared to flee their homes. The orb could easily bounce to another location. We can only pray it winds up in the ocean or Canada."
Phone lines are flooded as citizens attempt to make contact with loved ones living near the horizon, in what has been dubbed the twilight danger zone. However, it seems many of these people are so shocked that they are in outright denial of their impending deaths; Fiona Greare of St. Louis, Missouri, said in a phone interview, "No, the sun [sic] still looks like it's hanging right up there."
A brief moment of hope came about an hour ago when it appeared that the orb of fire had been swallowed by a thick cloud formation. Citizens rejoiced and hugged each other in the street until, a few minutes later, the blinding and seemingly unstoppable mass reappeared and continued its terrible plunge towards disaster.
As the burning mass gets closer and closer to the horizon, the sky's terror threat level continues to rise, changing from the one-o'clock threat level of "Deep, bright blue" to the current level of "Melancholic pale orange-blue ingrained with the first pale dots of starlight," indicating severe and potentially unavoidable danger. The threat level is expected to rise further in the coming hour to "Red sky at night", a prospect which local sailor Andrew McGinnis oddly described as "delightful."
As of the Noser's 4:10 PM press time, disaster seems almost inevitable. The only realistic hope, according to Seagrave, is that either the moon or a rainbow will magically appear under the ball of fire and deflect it into a horizontal trajectory, causing it to orbit the sky indefinitely.
