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In the Brown Community, the words "Daily Herald" often ring a bell. Some know the Herald as a reliable source of wildly entertaining comic strips and side splitters like "Diamonds and Coal." Others are familiar with the daily crossword puzzles and Sudokus that the Herald provides. Some even distinguish the Herald as a viable source of important notices about our campus and updates regarding current events. After last week's scandal, however, the Brown Daily Herald is being recognized only as a wealth of shame and woe.
On Feb. 12th, a very unique issue of the BDH was printed. Unlike a traditional issue, normally containing up to 25 articles, each written in size-12 Times New Roman font with single spacing, this issue contained a single article, written in size 44.5 Algerian font with triple spacing.
At first, most students and loyal Herald readers assumed that this issue was a blip - some kind of forgivable mistake. "Yeah, it struck me odd that the front page, which is usually rich with important and fascinating articles and headlines, was a giant picture of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man today," commented Paul Lommer '11, "but I let it slide. I mean, it's just one issue. 99 percent of their issues are still great, right?"
If only that were so. This issue's only article spread through twelve pages with a mere four lines of text and read: "Come on, we don't really have to tell you the news because we trust that as Brown students you are intelligent and up to date about all of the current events both in our scholarly community and the world around us! Are we wrong!? Are we wrong!?"
The issue evoked mixed reactions from the student body. "As long as I get my daily dose of 'Vagina Dentana' tomorrow, I will forget that fiasco of an issue ever happened," commented John Abbler '11. "I'm a very forgiving guy."
But this issue was only the beginning of a downward trend. The next day the entire paper was a crossword puzzle, each page the size of one box. There was only one clue, which read "very funny." The answer of course: "ha-ha."
But no one seemed to be laughing. After another week of similar shenanigans, students and faculty alike began to grow skeptical about the paper's dwindling credibility.
"I'm done with this nonsense. From now on, I'm only going to read the Brown Noser, the campus's only truly reliable newspaper. That's the Noser, like the nose on your face. Spelled B-R-O-W-N N-O-S-E-R. So, yeah. Read it!" proclaimed unbiased freshman Adam Wagner.
Many have taken to heart Wagner's words. Over the past three days, the Noser has experienced a record number of readers, while the Herald has nearly been forgotten by the public at large. "Herald? Hmmmm..Oh! You mean, Harold! That kid from 'Hey Arnold!' That kid was f*$%in' funny!" replied Patty Lanche '09 after being asked about the BDH, which has now reached rock bottom.
Every single copy of today's issue of the BDH was shaded with five o'clock shadow and spattered in chocolate milk. "I have tried to stay with the BDH," commented the last documented reader of the paper, Annie Pencer '11. "But I refuse to read a stubbly newspaper. This is the last straw."
As of today, the Herald has been admitted into rehab, where it will remain until it can "get its act together."
This task may not be very easy, however, now that the Environmental Protection Agency has decided to sue the Herald for wasting "such an obscene amount of blank paper, and lending a hand to all those who wish to destroy our rainforests, our ozone, and our children's futures." Today indeed marks a grim era for the Herald, but, hopefully, it is an era that may someday come to pass.
