Partly Cloudy, 64°
Arise, you fools. It's 4 o'clock on Thursday already, which I shouldn't need to remind you means that it is time to party. Come now, stop clutching at your heads and get yourselves some coffee. You have another long night of drinking games ahead of you.
Don't tell me you're hungover. That's the exact same excuse you used last night, and I know none of us ended up regretting that decision, right Carl? Ah, yes, Carl knows exactly what I'm talking about. Drink for knowing what I'm talking about, Carl. Darren, you must drink for not knowing what I'm talking about. Ahaha! See? Now this is starting to feel like a real party.
Shall we commence the festivities with a round of flippy cup? House rules: we play with water, but the losers must shotgun two entire beers each. Does that sound acceptable? Drink if you do not find that acceptable! The captain of the winning team chooses the next game. I am the captain. Begin.
The victory goes to me. Hah! A valiant effort, Darren, but you must drink. Chug it. Chug it now, Darren! There!
Now onwards; let us indulge in a match of kings. As always, almost every card indicates that you must arm wrestle me to see who drinks. Go ahead, Carl, pick a card.
You are reluctant, Carl. Drink for being reluctant!
There, seven means heaven! And observe, all: my hand is the first in the air. Victorious again! Everyone drink except for me.
Perhaps you would rather challenge my dominance at never-have-I-ever? Do not be afraid. I shall play with a handicap, my two fingers to five of yours. And yet, you still shall not defeat me; do you know why? I will reveal my secret: I have never done a single thing.
You are beginning to look rather inebriated, friends. Look how you dance. Look how you smile and wave your arms about you. Why, it is enough to make an educated man chuckle in contempt! There, yes, slur your speech as infants do, trip over yourselves like baby goats! Reveal to me the behavior of the adult human when he has had drink upon drink to drink!
Tell me, Carl, what does it feel like to be drunk? Does it embolden you? Does it give you a sense of confidence? Do you believe that you could outwit any man, win at any contest of strength or skill? Well, believe away, for that is what I believe all of the time. The main difference, of course, is that I believe correctly, while you and Darren have deceived yourselves yet again. Drink for deceiving yourselves - two shots!
Friends, where has the energy gone? Are you tired at only 4:15? Do you assume that your vomiting excuses you from drinking more? Do you think that I am done with you so soon? A grave misbelief indeed, Carl and Darren, for I have only just begun.
Drink now, friends. Drink for today, and drink through tomorrow. Then do a waterfall for each of the days that came before. Drink for yourselves and your ancestors. Now dizzy bat! One! Two! Three! Drink for being too drunk to remember the very passage of time. Drink for freedom. Drink for me. Drink forever, you idiots! I shall never join you, for I am undefeated at drinking games.
