Partly Cloudy, 64°
To the casual glancer, I am noticed. To the interested reader, I am understood. To the scholars and critics and wannabes of this brutal industry, the local college events advertising industry, I am !! REVERED !!.
I type in caps-lock with IMPUNITY. I douse words in asterisks like its ?MY JOB?. I invented the tongue-activated shift key so that I would have access to $YMBOL$ you didn't even know were possible to type with one hand.
You ask yourself, what's my secret? Well I ain't gonna tell you. Why, unless you come find out ##TODAY 7PM LOWER SAL MORN.MAIL SECRETS##.
Figuring out //* BROWN MORNING MAIL *\\ was small potatoes. But it gave me a foot. A foot with which I can open any door. A door with which I can get noticed by anyone, anytime! As long as they are a registered Brown University student or faculty checking their email between 1 a.m. and 10 a.m.
Brown Morning Mail provided me a nurturing pond. But I am not a guppy, but a narwhal, the bounties of my flesh pushing the limits of this watery womb. I am << BeYoNd >> it now. Well beyond its pitiful 50-character limit. Well beyond its restriction of "double quotation marks." Well beyond its blind rejections of my most-powerful, most eye-seducing, most containing-the-term-'FREE SEX' submissions.
Some people say I need more subtlety to my work. To them I say ~Go FuCk YoUrSeLf FRI 8PM SMITTY B 106 FREE PIZZA~
You've seen the fools. Desperately flailing about, trying to ^COPY^MY^WORK^, but oh do they fail. Oh, do they fail, only making it easier to mop up the 10 to 15 seconds of attention mindless event-goers spend reading my sweet Morning Mail.
What sets me apart from those rock-smackers over at the Janus Forum diddling their wad with lowercase letters, what sets me apart from those custard-sluts from the Faculty Fellows smacking their feet together without a single asterisk or exclamation point, what sets me apart, what makes me into a ////WIZARD||||TOBE|||NOTICED\\\, a +++DEITY=OF=INTEREST+++, a {[{FLYING*~* NARWHAL ~OF*~*PUNCTUATION}]}, what sets me apart, mind you, is my use of uppercase letters and symbols such as asterisks and exclamation points.
