Partly Cloudy, 64°
It was past 11 p.m., but the night was just beginning at The LonelyMasturbation Company, where an unprecedented swell in attendance since the beginning of the semester has turned the Water Street bar into Providence's hottest late-night destination.
Owner Adrian Campbell described LonelyMasturbation Co. as "a great place for people to get together, unwind and wallow in their emotional isolation." After days of numbing academics, droves of students flock here "because they just want to feel something, anything," said Campbell.
Indeed, LonelyMasturbation Co. is fast becoming a tradition at Brown and other schools in Providence. Instead of having separately designated nights for different colleges, Campbell said that here, "every night is masturbation night."
A taxi full of Brown students pulled up outside the bar's entrance, as if on cue. From the despondent expressions on their faces to their comfortable, baggy clothing, these young people were clearly ready to masturbate. Some were already crying.
"I don't plan on going to LonelyMasturbation Co. but usually I end up here," said one young man as he waited to get in. "At a certain time of night, I think everyone comes here just to come here and come here."
The masturbation floor, which was dimmed to near-absolute darkness to prevent partiers from glimpsing each other's miserable existences, had completely filled up by 11:30 p.m. as college-aged masturbators from all over the city continued to arrive and form a line at the door.
"I'm like seven out of ten drunk," said one young woman to a friend, barely audible over the music.
"Me too!" her friend replied. "I'm so alone!"
At midnight, the DJs turned the music up and locked the door to the establishment so that the partiers' hall mates wouldn't walk in on them. However, this was only a minor concern since the majority of the Brown student body was already in the building.
After the bar closed, the exhausted drunken crowds headed to Jo's where they re-hydrated, avoided eye contact and mumbled anticipation of Halloween LonelyMasturbation Co. this fall.
