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The great men and women of the Brown community are bound by a moral and social contract in which it is expected for one to be kind and respectful to his fellow fellow.
However, based on the insolent, disgraceful, and downright heinous acts of the Bear Necessities just days ago, one might imagine that this contract had been used as toilet tissue and burned to fiery ash before being scattered inside of a port-a-potty and jettisoned into space.
Last Saturday evening the Delta Tau tri-weekly "unity streak-athlon" began quietly and respectfully at around 8PM. "Nothing seemed too out of the ordinary," began Eric Belhan '10. "The brothers were split into two teams and pitted head to head in an anything-goes naked flip cup tournament extravaganza on Wriston Quad for the sake of togetherness and love." The competition was simply defined: Vikings versus Nudists - the Vikings donning nothing but ivory-horned helmets, the Nudists dressed to impress in their birthday suits.
Teams were expected to swiftly complete the primary 'save the environment' flip cup face off and move on to the subsequent challenges, but the slow flipping of novice Willie Chambers '10 sent the festivities to a semi-screeching halt. "They blamed the table being wet. That's what I hate about these fucking noob flippers," proclaimed Viking team anchor Jerry Matchins. "I played in the infamous '04 New Delhi flip cup invitational, and it was fucking monsoon season! And I flipped my cup in one try! So don't tell ME that the table is wet! FUCK!"
At 8:41PM, with the brothers four minutes behind schedule, it was anxiously decided to abridge the planned decathlon to a biathlon. "Events 2 through 9 were all just variations of the classic 'drink 'til you can't feel your face,' which we had been doing for six hours before the games began anyway," explained Phil Quirsh '09. "So we felt it was acceptable to postpone them until Tuesday morning for the sake of timeliness."
Thus, at 9:06PM, 35 totally naked men and 35 completely-unclothed- unless-you-consider- Viking-helmets-as-clothing men attempted to file out of Wriston Quad and begin the final leg of the streak-athlon: the 'naked reverence parade.' That's when disaster struck.
The Bear Necessities had just begun singing "Killer Queen" as the brothers' procession reached Wayland Arch. Wayland custodian John Sweepit recounts his shame: "They just. kept singing. Like nothing was happening! The streakers. they had to. they had to wait for THREE MINUTES until the song was over before they were allowed through! Could you imagine?! I knew the Necessities stood for suspenders and major key harmonies, but I never realized they also stood for pure evil."
Onlooker Amy Perkeet recalled, "I don't know how the fraternity brothers were so respectful and civil despite such blatant impertinence! If it were me, I would have conjured a pistol with my dark magic and killed them all. I mean. I would have politely asked them to stop. I AM NOT A WITCH! LEAVE ME BE, PATHETIC MORTALS!"
Upon hearing the news of this flagrant disgrace, President Simmons issued a statement on Monday: "It is not since a flock of pigeons interrupted the 1985 World Series that I have seen such blatant disregard for what is right and proper. And, just as those pigeons were chained and locked away in the Bronx Zoo to die and rot in hell, so shall these songbirds be locked away in the Champlin trash room until their bodies decompose into a large compost heap of general environmental friendliness. May their horrible manners never again disgrace the grounds of this great university." The Bear Necessities are currently unavailable for comment, but they do have an upcoming "Trash Room Redemption Sing" on Friday night.
