Partly Cloudy, 64°
Students rejoiced yesterday upon the inauguration of the Fast Lane, a new and efficient way to overtake mosiers, lollygaggers and giant hordes of Hispanic youths alike. The lanes are indicated by white lines running along Thayer St. sidewalks, and are already quickly revolutionizing both pedestrian transportation and not getting stuck behind those two middle aged ladies and having to listen to their entire conversation about how Marlene missed the birthday party which is a shame because the cheesecake was divine.
Ruth Simmons, the pioneer of this innovation, spoke of the many forthcoming advantages at the christening ceremony. "Often times I find myself walking behind others who are walking at a slower pace than I. I find myself walking one or two feet behind said others, taking clunky steps, clearing my throat frequently and breathing down their backs until they allow me through. And in these moments, as the dirty, incredulous glances transpire, I am stirred to act. This is the result of said action. It is with great honor that I christen Brown University's first Fast Lane." Simmons proceeded to smash a glass bottle over the head of Cletus Scoffpossum, a local hobo and tambourine enthusiast.
"I'm honored," began Scoffpossum. "I feel like I was just knighted, and that my skull is celebrating by bleeding profusely."
Noser reporters caught up to various students who were taking advantage of the Fast Lane to gather input.
"Indy fashion means sacrificing function for a tortured and frigid appearance," began Sophomore Hipster Ronny Grossman, pulling his shoulders up to his cheekbones whilst pretending to fondly recognize Avon's newest film, 'Gloria's Frost Appendium.' "What people don't realize is that most of the time it's more than just an appearance. I usually am that cold. Needless to say, I need to walk really fast."
"I fly down the Fast Lane," remarked Ally Brenton '09. "It's really the best. Those hobos barely have time to see me coming, let alone to guilt me into change. The faster you walk, the easier it is to avoid eye contact."
However, some students feel that the fast lane is not enough. Despite the elevated speed limit, dissenters complain that the Fast Lane is flawed in that it "runs straight through telephone poles and garbage cans." Others complain that there are still slow walkers who have the audacity to enter the Fast Lane when they attempt to "walk out of East Side Pockets" or when they "cross the street."
However Ruth Simmons, the fastest walker of us all, is unsurprisingly one step ahead. As of this morning, she has installed card swipers at various checkpoints along the Fast Lane.
"My fellow Brunonians, I want to annihilate any and all pedestrian interferences. If you live in Pembroke and need to get to that one o'clock section that the professor usually shows up late to anyway but that you still feel compelled to rush to so that your image as 'that guy who's always way too early' isn't tarnished, today is your day."
The card swiper christening ceremony felt a bit empty, however, as Cletus Scoffpossum was admitted to Providence Hospital yesterday with severe cerebral bleeding and was thus unable to attend.
Simmons was sincere in her regret. "It's a shame that Cletus was unable to make the second christening. If I'd known he had a history of cerebral bleeding issues I wouldn't have smashed that bottle over his head in the first place."
