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On Monday, Providence resident Jonathan Schmidt finally issued a heartfelt confession to his alleged theft of over a dozen chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies from their proper places in the jar. Schmidt had been apprehended near the scene of the crime months ago and charged with stealing the cookies, but prior to his confession yesterday he planned to plead not guilty on the basis of his defense, "Couldn't be."
"Then who?!" demanded Providence's district attorney, Michael Finnegan, moments before the confession. Pounding his fists on the table of the small interrogation room in which Schmidt was being held, he challenged, "Who else could have taken them?!"
In recent weeks, Schmidt has often attempted to deflect blame by wildly, and often randomly, accusing various others of his heinous felony, to the ire of the district attorney. Exclaimed D.A. Finnegan, upon hearing of Schmidt's allegations that the cookie jar bandit was in fact the twelve-year-old Wheeler School student Mary Mack, "Mack?!"
"Mack!" retorted Schmidt, crossing his arms smugly. "She had clear access to the jar of cookies. And she is pretty suspicious, what with that puffet that she's always sitting on."
"My client doesn't even own a puffet!" retorted Miss Mack's lawyer/father Benedict Mack. "You've confused her with Mrs. Moffet, the science teacher. Get your stories straight!"
"Her name is Miss Muffet, with a 'u,'" corrected Schmidt.
"Muffet, Duffet, Bo Bluffet, bananafana fo Fuffet, I don't care what her name is!" yelled D.A. Finnegan. "You stole the cookies from the cookie jar!"
"Who, me?"
"SHUT UP!"
Until the confession yesterday, the State of Rhode Island was unable to pin any hard evidence on Schmidt.
"We searched him thoroughly," began arresting officer Peter C. Tayle. "Head, shoulders, knees and outer extremities, nothing. All we found were a couple of posies in his pockets."
Schmidt's lawyer, Harold MacDonald, also concocted an alibi that Schmidt had been perched in a local oak tree with his wife at the time of the crime.
"At the time of the alleged theft, my client and Mrs. Schmidt were sitting in a tree: I-N-N-O-C-E-N-T."
However, as the weeks of stalemate went on, even Schmidt's wife Allison became impatient. Eventually, she too implored Schmidt to confess during a highly publicized conjugal visit.
"I love you," began Mrs. Schmidt, tears welling in her eyes. "You love me. We're a happy family! But if you don't fess up, they're gonna put you away for a long fucking time." With a great big hug and a kiss from her to him, the two said their goodbyes and Allison was escorted from the room by an armed guard.
It was not until a visit from Schmidt's daughter, however, that Schmidt finally decided to make his confession.
"You don't have to tell anyone else," whispered Jaclyn Schmidt to her father through a pane of glass. "But if you're guilty, daddy, and you know it, clap your hands."
Schmidt, eyes wet with tears, clapped his hands.
That very afternoon, Schmidt announced plans for a televised confession in the presence of the district attorney.
"Put your right hand in," said a teary-eyed Schmidt, pressing a fragrant, crisp chocolate chip cookie into the district attorney's palm. "Now put your head in." The D.A. leaned in, and Schmidt murmured the words that the world has been waiting to hear for weeks, "I confess."
According to eyewitnesses, the D.A. proceeded to dance with joy, hopping in circles and pumping his fist, chanting, "That's what it's all ABOUT, MOTHERFUCKER!"
Unfortunately for D.A. Finnegan, Schmidt escaped from his holding cell shortly after confessing. An official notice has been put out to all residents of Rhode Island to keep an eye out for a Jonathan Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, but this has led to mass false positive arrests, as it seems, strangely, that there are many people who share that same name.
