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Taking its cue from the formulaic garbage that talentless dopes will one day produce within its walls, the Jane and John Whogivesashit Center for the Uncreative Arts is slated to look just like any other building. Absolutely nothing special appeared in the designs released this Friday, which the center's architects characterize as "the plan for how we are going to build it." During a press conference that went on forever, the University also announced the Center's estimated date of completion, but it was not worth writing down or remembering.
Elevators are featured prominently in the design, along with windows, which will cast light on student paintings appropriate for the walls of a dentist's waiting room. An endless parade of philistines will enter the building through a door and exit through another door. The opening and closing of doors will be essential to the Center's daily function.
An architect who asked that his name not be printed described the future eyesore as "functionality meets conventionality meets several thousand tons of beige-painted cinder blocks."
Drafting blueprints for the center proved a difficult process, requiring dozens of exponentially more boring drafts. Fearing that their design would be labeled "too far-out", the design team quickly scrapped preliminary inclusions of a skylight and a "funky couch," project supervisor Todd Weinberg said.
"Our primary concern was always student comfort," he continued. "Our hope is that every kid will be able to look up from the poem they're writing about a summer's day, see rows of moveable gray desks on a linoleum floor, and remember that at least their writing is not the only thing in the world that's mind-numbingly boring."
The Center for the Uncreative Arts is expected to revolutionize the education of copycats and wannabes at Brown. These going-nowhere students will soon have access to workshops tailored
specifically to their non-existent talents, while their former professors will no longer be forced to pretend that they did not receive their emails.
As the Center will serve several departments, it will also function as interdisciplinary hub, where students of different artistic backgrounds can gather to exchange the same tired ideas. "Let's say I'm writing about a boat and my peer is painting a picture of a boat," said Dan Wickman '11. "Our approaches are completely different, but what's fundamental about our respective pursuits remains the same: boats."
Students can expect masturbatory nonsense as expressed by hacks like Wickman to echo unrelentingly in the building's narrow hallways.
Against an apathetic response from the general Brown community, producers of uncreative art have expressed annoying enthusiasm about the planned Center. "My concrete muse!" exclaimed Lisa Chapman '12. "It's hard getting inspired when there are all these weirdo kids around doing who-knows-what and calling it art. It'll be much better when I can surround myself with same-minded individuals who love uncreativity as much as I do."
"I find the box perfectly comfortable, so forgive me if I choose not to step outside of it," Chapman concluded.
