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The following summary includes all major incidents reported to the Department of Public Safety between February 9 and February 23. It does not include general service and alarm calls. The Providence Police Department also responds to incidents occurring off campus. DPS maintains a daily log of all shift activity and general service calls which can be viewed during business hours at its headquarters, located at 75 Charlesfield St.
RHYME LOG
Feb. 10
8:48 a.m. Student left her room to get some water from the shower. Said she was away perhaps a quarter of an hour. Returned to find no laptop and was sorta feeling sour. DPS official said she oughta go and scour all around her dorm and she was quick and caught her in the tower. The thief was taught a lesson about not committing crime. The room was left unlocked the entire time.
Feb. 12
12:42 p.m. Brown student stated that she had just heard a rhyme committed on the main green. She had said she wondered what those baked goods are for. Another student had replied that he thinks they are for Darfur. DPS responded quickly by scrambling car 4.
1:10 p.m. Student stated that he locked his bike near Verney-Wooley. Returned from lunch to find that now his bike was absent fully. DPS official stated that he blamed the bullies. Providence Police took a report, fucking up the rhymes like usual.
Feb. 13
11:24 p.m. Brown Employee walking on Bowen Street stated that he had just been mugged by a tall hooded stranger. DPS officer asked him if meant he had been mugged by a thug. Brown Employee asked why that mattered. DPS officer responded that if he had been mugged by a thug then it would rhyme. Brown Employee stated that "mugged" and "thug" do not quite rhyme. DPS officer terminated the call.
Feb. 16
9:39 a.m. DPS officer stopped driver on Brown Street for doing 65 in a 64 zone. Driver stated that if DPS officer was having girl problems he felt bad for him, son. Driver stated that he had 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. DPS officer was impressed with driver's rhyming skills.
Feb. 17
9:04 a.m Complainant stated that the following item had been taken from his vehicle: an ancient statue of a huge Venus. Providence Police took a report. Typical.
2:17 p.m. Brown Employee stated that he parked his vehicle on Hope Street at 11 a.m. When he returned to his vehicle at 2:10 p.m. his passenger front window had been smashed and the following items were missing: a car stereo, a very merry Van Gogh, and a scary canary from Ontario. DPS officer stated that that was fantastic news. Employee stated that he did not care if it rhymed, you idiot. DPS officer stated that he just meant losing your stereo ain't the worst scenario. DPS officer raised his hand to his mouth as if surprised at his own wit and said ohhhhhh.
Feb. 20.
11:32 a.m. Student stated he fell asleep at approximately 10:20 a.m. He woke up at 11:30 a.m. to discover his iPod was missing from his desk. DPS officer told him not to worry about it since it was just an iPod. Student stated that his posters of Jack Black and Shaquille O'Neal were also missing. DPS scrambled all units and justice was ensured. The door was found unsecured.
Feb. 25
11:40 p.m. Brown student stated she had been robbed on Thayer street after seeing a film. DPS was unable to respond. Nothing rhymes with film.
