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"I'm no hero."
Thus spoke hero safeRIDE driver Delaney Johnson Jr., whose quick reflexes and expert handling narrowly and miraculously steered a vanful of collegiates clear of a collapsing drawbridge, an Escalade full of armed vigilantes, an exploding police helicopter, and a government conspiracy, all in the face of a minor drizzle and slightly breezy conditions. What's more: it was his first day on the job.
Delaney Jr., while driving along the normal safeRIDE route from Prospect St. up toward Pembroke campus, was forced to take a minor detour into downtown Providence after being framed for murder by a croooked safeRIDE dispatcher with an old and tragically justifiable vendetta. While Delaney Jr.'s innocence was ultimately realized, he has still been heavily reprimanded by city officials for the totaling of twelve police cruisers, two helicopters, and a tanker truck filled with hydrogen sulfide.
"What Delaney Jr. did out there today was risky, reckless and completely against safeRIDE protocol," barked no-nonsense director of operations Paul Trevell, sternly swigging from his daily cup of generic brand instant coffee and rolling up the sleeves of his sweaty, suspendered shirt. "And it was the goddamn finest safe driving I've ever seen."
The passengers of the van, a rowdy group of strangers-turned-friends, have also praised Delaney Jr.'s mastery of safe driving.
"After the back wheels came off I thought we were done for," began attractive and spunky passenger Anne Whitehurst '11. "And then when the front wheels came off I thought we were really done for. And then when the roof of the van tore off as we veered under that tractor trailer to avoid igniting a roadside puddle of spilled gasoline, I thought we were really really done for. But [Delaney Jr.] got me to the OMAC safely and soundly, and I didn't even get wet from the rain."
Whitehurst was initially cold toward Delaney Jr.'s swanky showboating and flippant arrogance. However, she was ultimately able to see past his uninhibited womanizing, debilitating pill addiction and slender, opaque sunglasses after tenderly removing a non-lethal bullet from his right shoulder as he simultaneously weaved his way through a crumbling tunnel and recited a nostalgic, albeit slightly clichéd, childhood anecdote. The two were last seen holding one another amidst a heap of rubble and bloody shrapnel.
"Thank goodness I play so much Metal Gear," said tell-it-like-it-is funnyman/passenger Earl Docket '12, "or I never would have had the basic skills necessary to defuse that bomb." The bomb, hardwired into the trunk by a bloodthirsty bounty hunter hired by former classmate and jealous salutatorian of the safeRIDE Academy Elias Icebreaker, was programmed to detonate if the safeRIDE van traveled below 65 miles per hour.
Ultimately, Delaney Jr. took advantage of a flaming, ramp-shaped truck bed to amazingly and, more importantly, safely vault his trusty white Dodge Caravan over the ravine that was once the Point Street Bridge. When it was pointed out that the Point Street Bridge is not a drawbridge as was initially reported, director Trevell explained it away as a "continuity error."
When asked if they foresee a second onslaught of explosive and unforseen circumstances arising during a future safeRIDE, Delaney Jr. and Whitehurst were both coy.
"It all depends on ticket sales," began Delaney Jr. "Because when the government starts selling traffic tickets to corrupt local police precincts, problems are bound to arise."
"I would be game for a second safeRIDE adventure," said Whitehurst. "Except next time I want to choose the radio station during the ride. BSR is really terrible."
