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President Ruth Simmons of Brown University and Sauron, the Dark Lord of Mordor and Base Master of Treachery, announced yesterday that they had reached an agreement concerning Sauron's plans for expansion of his domain of pure evil onto Brown's campus.
Sauron, who holds a master's degree in business management from the University of Georgia as well as inconceivable Satanic powers of chaos and death, said building a massive, omniscient eye of fire on the roof of Brown's Sciences Library would be highly conducive to his tentative plan of mass enslavement and domination of all known lands.
Following his meeting with president Simmons, the Dark Lord said, "my judgement is faultless. That towering block of intimidation known to you underlings as the SciLi would paralyze the hearts of even the strongest mortals. I intend to perfect it."
After its expected activation in Spring 2010, the blazing eye will be used both by Sauron as the starting point for his conquest of the mortal world, and by University Admissions as a recruiting tool for finding the top academic prospects in the nation.
In response to those who doubt the great eye will be able to perceive the subtle quirks and differences that might distinguish a candidate from the field, Sauron let out a terrifying scream: "DO NOT DOUBT ME! THE EYE SEES ALL!"
Students at Brown, however, are concerned that this might constitute a violation of their privacy. Anton Schaft '10 commented that "this Sauron guy would be able to see my e-mails; medical records; hell, probably even my telephone conversations. Nobody has a right to do that."
The proposed eye will inflict mortal scars upon all those who attempt to gaze upon it. This will make looking at the SciLi almost 30 percent more painful than before. Simmons expressed optimism regarding Brown's newly formed business partnership with the Abhorred Dread Lord, noting that "in these times of economic strife, Mr. Sauron is exactly the kind of forward- thinking entrepreneur we need to revitalize our community."
Sauron thanked "Lord Simmons the Wise" for her cooperation and in return gave her a lovely gold ring which is to be protected at all costs and which must never come near the seething waffle irons of the V-Dub at the summit of Mount College.
"Our gracious and wise friend Lord Sauron promised me the ring would grant me dark faculties beyond my wildest imaginations," said Simmons, "which is perfect because right now we are in serious need of more minority staff members."
