Partly Cloudy, 64°
It took about eight seconds for Renee Salanza '12 to half-run to the door of Grad Center B, which was chivalrously held ajar by Ken Kellerman '11. Eight seconds too long.
"I'm a nice guy," began Kellerman, rubbing Icy Hot on his sore, fragile arm. "Usually I just hold doors for people until they are close enough to say 'thank you,' then I shrug and mutter 'yeah' as I spin and effortlessly stride off down the hall, never looking back. The two or three seconds of heavy door-holding is but a small price to pay to look like a total boss in front of a complete stranger."
"But Renee left me hanging there for way too long," Kellerman added, swinging his arm around like a windmill as though that would somehow expedite the healing process. "I'll admit, it was worth it, but that door is really heavy."
However, Kellerman admits that the matter is about much more than just door holding.
"Other than Warcraft, I don't play a lot sports, and people don't really appreciate most of my fashion choices," said Kellerman as he flicked a wad of lint from the pocket of his grey sweatpants before returning his hands to the warmth of his grey sweatshirt pouch. "So door holding is really the only way for me to look cool. It's a simple concept: the longer I hold the door, the cooler I appear to be. The only problem is that I don't have the arm strength to keep the charade going for very long."
Doctors warn that Kellerman's sore arm will prevent him from prolonged door holding for up to a month. As a result, Kellerman has taken to adapting slightly less vigorous ways of distinguishing himself as a rugged, nonchalant man's man, including attempting to spin a full Ratty tray on his finger, and ordering 'the usual' to a bewildered Jo's quesadilla maker before smiling smugly to himself.
"I just threw in some cheese and hoped that he wasn't lactose intolerant," confessed Jo's quesadillier Moe Daniels.
"The tray spinning thing was kinda cool at first," admits onlooker Chelsea Lemar '13, "until he dropped it right in front of the BDS cleaning lady. She gave him one of those 'I'm the one who has to clean that, you asshole' looks. Totally not cool."
Thankfully, Kellerman is tolerant of both lactose and mopping the Ratty floor.
"Yeah, my coolness took a hit when I spilled bean soup everywhere," he lamented, shaking his head. "But that's why I agreed to stay after and mop up. People walking by the Ratty were bound to see me inside doing an unwarranted act of kindness, and then they'd tell their friends, who would tell their friends, and by next week I'd be the most well-liked hoss this side of the CIT."
When reminded that the Ratty has no windows, Kellerman remained undeterred. "The key is to make it look like you don't think anyone is watching," he responded. "But someone is bound to see it. That's where it all starts."
"Kellerman. Kellerman. oh yeah, I know that guy," mused Salanza, pacing back and forth (rather slowly, I might add). "I think I saw him in CVS wearing sweatpants and buying Icy Hot the other day. He must be an athlete. That's pretty cool."
