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"Let's get high!" quipped President Obama on Monday, his mouth curling into a vainglorious grin.
With those iconic words, the president signed into law the Green Act, which calls for the long awaited decriminalization of marijuana but also banishes the possession and use of various common daily commodities, including lighters, brownies and fire.
"Oh wait," remarked Obama in a press conference later that morning, "do people need fire, lighters and/or brownies in order to enjoy the effects of marijuana?! The very things which I just outlawed?! How foolish of me!" Obama then chuckled to himself and offered a high five to Vice President Biden.
"Well, actually," commented Vice President Biden, leaving the president hanging, "Americans can still legally get high using a vaporizer, which heats the cannabis to an elevated temperature at which the desirable, psychoactive ingredients evaporate without causing combustion."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, JOE!" barked the President, storming out of the room and muttering to himself.
Obama has since announced a new bill that is now in the works to ban all vaporizers.
"So by banning vaporizers," began Iowan Melanie Davis at a town hall meeting on Wednesday, "are you also banning humidifiers? Because I need a humidifier to prevent my nosebleeds. I have hemophilia; if I had a nosebleed I could literally die."
"No, of course I'm not banning that kind of vaporizer, Melanie." replied Obama, calmly. "Just the kind one would use to vaporize marijuana."
"Really?" retorted Davis, "Because this morning you specifically said you wanted to ban all vaporizers, and a humidifier is a type of vaporizer, so-"
"WELL I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF VAPORIZER, OKAY!?" interrupted Obama, indignantly hurling his microphone into the crowd. "Any other questions? Did I hear someone say something about Egypt? No?"
Federal officials have also found numerous alarming consequences of the new legislation. Even a cursory inspection has revealed that the Green Act, if enforced, would outlaw the use of cigarettes, blow torches, gas stoves, Bunsen burners, dynamite, firecrackers, guns, birthday candles, automobiles, rockets, volcanoes, all candles, cannons, numerous Rube Goldberg devices, cremation, candle-lit dinners, central heating systems, all explosives, campfires, candlelight vigils, crème brulees, all electricity, the sun and roman candles.
"America, I'm obviously not outlawing fire for all of those things," explained Obama. "Can you all just relax and stop being such assholes? You know what I meant!"
Unfortunately for Obama - and for every single American - the written word of United States law does not know what the president meant, resulting in an unsympathetically severe enforcement of the new legislation. In the days since the law's passage, almost the entire U.S. population has been arrested, including an Ohio woman for turning on a light, a Wisconsin college student for owning a computer, a Nevada elementary school student for selling brownies at a bake sale and an Oklahoma police officer for operating a car to drive a cavalcade of arrested people to the police station.
"Look, this is ridiculous!" remarked Obama in an address on Thursday. "It was just supposed to be funny and you guys are all ruining it!" Obama then glanced down at his Blackberry and was promptly arrested.
Last night, after posting bail, a defeated Obama addressed the nation, or at least those within earshot of the Oval Office, as it is illegal to operate a camera or any other kind of recording or broadcasting device. "Let me be clear: My law was childish and irresponsible, and I have only myself to blame. I will veto it first thing tomorrow morning."
"Well, actually," interjected Vice President Biden, "That's not really how vetoes work. You already signed the bill, so you would either have to collect signatures for a petition or draft up a new law entirely that would-"
"JOE, CAN YOU JUST… not now."
As of this morning, the bill has been repealed by the Supreme Court for being "absurdly unconstitutional, to the point where it is frankly disturbing that it ever made it through any branch of government at all." Chief Justice John Roberts also commented, "Plus, if the bill outlaws fire, it's a little redundant to also outlaw lighters."
"Yeah, we get it John," conceded Obama. "It was a dumb law. Leave me alone."
