Every night, when Lincoln Sapper's '09 head hit the pillow, he knew he was safe. No matter how bad his day was, he knew his troubles would never follow him into his one true sanctuary. He knew his friends Dr. Cuddles and Feathers McStuff would shield him from harm. That is, until last month. Now, Cuddles and McStuff are awaiting trial for murder and Sapper is sleeping. with the fishes.
You could say Lincoln Sapper led a double life. By day, a hard working, always enthused, and generally likeable student at Brown University. But by night, Sapper was unknowingly the object of a heated and tragically vindictive love triangle.
Sapper's dark tale began three months ago in the Providence Place Mall's Bed Bath & Beyond. As many students can surely relate, Sapper was looking to buy himself two new pillows for his birthday.
"When he walked in he was already carrying a Brookstone bag that reeked of Tempur-pedic, but I had to put my qualms aside and help him anyway," recalled Bed Bath & Beyond employee Dean Mackel. "Being a humanitarian, I felt it only right to suggest to him the most fragrant pillow we had - I thought hopefully that would cover up that vile Tempur-stench," continued Mackel.
Accounts given by neighbors and friends reveal that Sapper was infatuated with his two fluffy new friends. "He was pretty quick to name them," said neighbor Shelley Xu '09. "Whenever I saw him in the hall I would casually ask, 'how are you?' expecting his answer to be over by the time we passed each other, you know? But he would stop in his tracks and start spilling this soap opera crap about 'Dr. Cuddles' this or 'Feathers McStuff' that. If you ask me, it was unhealthy."
Allegedly, Sapper bought matching jumpsuits for himself and the pillows, so that the trio could "inconspicuously" attend classes together without drawing any unnecessary attention.
"I can unequivocally say that those fluorescent orange jumpers drew a vast amount of unnecessary attention," commented Professor of Philosophy Lukas Retious. "At first I was offended that he was bringing pillows to my class. I take enough &$%@ as it is just for working in this department, but it wasn't until after that pillow kid showed up that my coworkers gave me the nickname 'The Snore.'"
Authorities attained a more direct account of the relationship when they found Sapper's diary in the most unlikely of places: under his pillows. In the diary, Sapper confesses that Dr. Cuddles, the 'overambitious, hot shot new Tempur-pedic pillow,' always satisfied his sleeping desires, but occasionally grew cold, refusing to mold to the exact shape of Sapper's head. Feathers McStuff, on the other hand, was a modest and outspoken feather pillow who 'walked the walk instead of talking the talk,' never disappointing in the comfort department. According to Sapper's account, these conflicting personas initially provided plenty of zesty situations (in bed). "Diary, I felt terrible! I didn't want to pillow-cile my roommate, but sometimes I just get these urges to. to. SLEEP!" wrote Sapper.
As time went on, however, tensions began to build in the bedroom. Cuddles was a Swedish neck pillow, specifically designed to curve to the shape of a skull, but this meant that he could not be flipped over.
"Sometimes I just want a little change, and Dr. Cuddles always comes up a little short in that department. Feathers is great though, he always lets me flip him and snuggle for twice the goodness!" wrote Sapper. The final entry in the diary detailed a heated argument with Cuddles about why Cuddles was 'irresponsibly' left 'to die' in the crack between the bed and the wall for seven hours before being rescued. That was Sapper's last diary entry before his body was discovered deep in the bowels of the Providence River. Evidence suggests that Sapper was smothered to death before being comfortably tossed into the river.
McStuff was immediately arrested and is currently being detained in a minimum security prison. Cuddles was also placed into custody, but only as a precautionary measure, as authorities realize he clearly had no motive. "It's a textbook case. Dr. Cuddles has this big argument with Sapper, then Sapper turns up dead. If this doesn't scream "framing," I don't know what does. And Feathers McStuff was a little bit too obvious in his tacit demeanor. He sent out a shifty vibe, and that's when we nabbed him. Plays like that are all part of a days work for us," declared Department of Public Safety Chief Artie Bell. "I'm not saying it was an easy read. But hey, that's why we're the guys in blue, and you're not."
McStuff will be tried next month for murder in the first degree. Score one more for the justice department.