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According to reputable, albeit pretty shit-faced sources, Wayne Finney '14 began Saturday night with "a couple of brewskis" which turned in to "a whole bunch of brewskis," which turned back into "like, one or two brewskis," which suddenly, amidst so many brewskis, turned into "a gallon of vodka" and "some anti-bacterial hand gel." "I think it was the hand gel that did him in," remarked Finney's friend, Ronald Peterson '14. "That shit's like 65 percent alcohol. That's like 65 Loko!"
But "loko" doesn't even begin to describe Finney's condition the next morning. "I woke up and I was like, 'What am I?' and 'What is this state of being?'" recounted an extremely bewildered and hungover Finney. "I still don't understand. I don't even know what language I'm speaking or how I'm speaking it. What is these things," he added, shaking his hands in front of his face. "What is man? Is man me? Who am I?"
Despite a sharp decline in his math and science studies since the incident, Finney has actually found considerable success in the field of existentialism. Recently, he was elected the leader of Brown's only existentialist club, The Brown Void.
The club's parliamentarian, Riley Smith '12, said of Finney: "He's in touch with questions that no one's willing to ask anymore. Like the first day he came to our meeting, he was like 'Where am I and how do I get home and where is that anyways?' We were all pretty blown away and just sort of elected him leader on the spot. I asked him if he had read any Beckett, and he was like, 'what is Beckett?' And I was like, 'whoa.' No one had ever made me think of it that way before, you know?"
"What is the bathroom," Finney began this week's meeting of The Brown Void, "and how do I get there?" The rest of the group, which has grown to 500 students since Finney's arrival, stared at him in rapt contemplation. "What is the bathroom, and how do I get there?" they chanted back, diligently copying the phrase in their Moleskine notebooks.
Indeed, Finney has become such a prominent figure in academia that the University recently awarded him for his achievement in philosophy. Always true to his teachings, Finney's acceptance speech was short, simple, and yet profound: "I have no idea what is happening right now." After pausing for uproarious applause from an audience filled with Finneyists and Neo-Finneyists alike, he added, "Can someone please tell me where the bathroom is and what I should do when I get there?"
