Partly Cloudy, 64°
For centuries, Ratty diners have come to accept the inevitable truth that the BUDS batting average is deplorably low, both in its percentage of tolerable eateries at any given meal and its performance at the biannual kitchen/janitorial staff softball tournament. That all changed this month, however, with the introduction of the critically acclaimed new dish, simply called "Student."
"For semesters we've been hard at work trying to come up with a meal as unilaterally lauded as the VDub's famed Chicken Finger Friday," began head chef Todd Lovett. "Chicken Finger Friday might roll off the tongue, but Student ups the ante by rolling onto the tongue. Seriously, they're like these little delicious sausage balls, you should totally try them."
When asked what was in the sausage balls, Lovett grew coy. "It's from Canada, that's all you need to know."
While the chefs at the Ratty are remaining very tight-lipped as to the recipe of the mysterious delicacy, it is no secret that the Brown populace at large finds it to be thoroughly delicious.
"It's got this really familiar taste to it, like reuniting with an old dinner from long ago," mumbled full-mouthed Scotty Tenorson '10, scavenging his lap for a morsel of fallen Student Sausage Ball while simultaneously defending his plate with a fork from his hunger-crazed tablemates. "And it actually smells a little bit like my buddy Glenn, which would normally be weird, but he is one fine smelling gentleman. Where is Glenn anyway? Did he go to the bathroom or something?"
Glenn, like so many of his classmates, was probably waiting in line for seconds.
In fact, it has been quite a challenge to locate a single matriculate at Brown University who doesn't sing Student's praises.
"My roommate said it was 'mediocre at best,'" began Don Nerpety '12, "but I haven't seen him in a few days. I assume it's because he's finally come to his senses. He's probably spending most of his time at the Ratty, scarfing down all the Student Sausage Balls a meal credit can buy."
This is actually one of many recent alleged disappearances of current undergraduates who harbor skepticism towards the Ratty's newest fare. The University administration has justified the trend as "a reawakened urge to study abroad in the great nation of Canada and its many provinces, where students hope to enjoy authentic Student cuisine in the land where it was first conceived."
"And don't try to contact any of your friends in Canada, they're all probably too busy eating to spare the time for even the briefest of Skype sessions," explained President Ruth Simmons, tugging at her collar and laughing awkwardly.
The only publicly voiced complaint about the food came from Bob Thorn '12, who was last seen being forcibly dragged from the Ratty while desperately roaring, "Student is PEOPLE!" The cryptic critique of the Ratty's most popular dish was quickly brushed off by chef Lovett.
"Like so many hipsters, [Thorn] held disdain for Student Sausage Balls solely because everyone else loves them, because they're such a pop culture phenomenon that they have literally transcended food and become a part of people. Typical."
Thorn was unavailable for comment.
And yet, despite its detractors, Student Sausage Ball Saturday, which has replaced the unsavory Saturday Night Jambalaya, has become such a staple that diners have become distraught by the very idea of the dish ever being removed from the menu.
"Oh god, if they got rid of Student, that would be the last straw for me. There would really be nothing left here for me to eat," stated Lina Romway '11. She added jovially, "I guess I'd have to revert to cannibalism!"
