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FishCo. Many think of it as a vivid illustration of roaring Providence nightlife. To some, the mere name evokes fond memories of not remembering what happened that one night. To others,
FishCo represents that time that you got 'groped' by a scary man with a weird moustache. But today, FishCo is ready to assume its new identity: world renowned vender of Alaskan King Crabs. Said owner John Brinkley, "One day I got tired of grinding up against dumb, sweaty skanks and tickling them with my classy moustache, so I strolled outside to skip some stones on the Providence River and lose myself in thought. That's when I saw it, just lying on a sand bar. At first I thought it was a piece of beached garbage, or a dead body, but when I got closer I saw what it truly was, and I was inspired. It was a big piece of beached garbage."
Further investigation revealed the slab of shrapnel to be a chunk of an old billboard advertising the television program, "Deadliest Catch" on the Discovery Channel. "Brinks called us up out of the blue, asking for a slice of the king crab market," rasped native Alaskan fisherman Saltyscar "Sam" Hammertank, lighting a match off of his grit-stained face and tossing it to the sea-soaked wind. "He didn't know what he was getting himself into. The King Crab Trade Ring is a dark place. But we got him connected."
Since FishCo began giving away free Alaskan King Crabs to all guests, revenues have swelled significantly. "People love pets. And people love crustaceans. It's an equation for success. And the money just keeps coming in!" proclaimed Brinkley, fanning himself with an enormous wad of crumpled, sweaty 20 dollar bills.
However, there have been slight kinks in the otherwise smooth path to success. "Oh. the incident," started bouncer Marcus Intimidationstein. "Yeah, man, that was whack. That crab just scuttled out of the tank and clipped the guy's head clean off. That was heavy shit, man."
Since this so-called 'incident,' the crabs have been held on a much tighter leash. "Originally, we had a tough time getting the leashes around the crabs' necks. Hell, we even had a hard time finding their necks in the first place. But we've got our shit together now, and I think it's really paying off," gloated Brinkley. "Decapitation free for 17 days now."
The reaction from Brown students has been overwhelmingly positive. "I could never have parties in my suite 'cause I forgot to bring my bottle opener," said Kate Peville '11. "But Clippers just cracks the neck of the bottle right off. The beer has a couple of shards of glass in it, but look at Clippers! He's so happy to be useful and loved! Show him, Clippers. Beer! ..AHHH, MY ARM!!!!!" Said James Loesch '12, from Gloucester, Massachusetts, "When I first heard about FishCo, I thought it was a seafood restaurant. So I went with some friends one night, ready for some lobster. But wait, there's no seafood- it's really a night club. So we're about to leave. But wait, they're giving away Alaskan King Crabs. But wait, my dad is a crab fisherman. But wait, I love crabs! Don't you see the irony!? It's everywhere! Plus, it's even a double entendre, because I've heard that some people get STDs from FishCo! Like CRABS!!!! I know I'm probably just going to be an insignificant interview in the last paragraph or something, but when you end up writing your article, you should really use my story as the headline!"
Perhaps we shall, Mr. Loesch. Perhaps we shall.
