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The Brown Noser

Student Repeatedly Encouraged to Chug

Published Friday, December 5th, 2008

In a resounding decision Friday night, friends of Eric Swain '11 repeatedly and unanimously expressed support of Swain's intention to 'chug.chug.Chug. Chug! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!' the remainder of his 12 fluid ounce can of Natural Light.

The method of consumption was first advocated
by Swain's roommate Tim Branch '11 as a quick solution for his sobriety.

The motion, however, gained more widespread support when Branch began repeating his advice increasingly loudly and quickly. "Eric, chug it. Chug it, Eric. chug....chug...chug..chug. Chug. Chug! [Chug!] Chug! CHUG! CHUGCHUGCHUG!!" advised Branch, moving his forearms up and down in unison as the rest of the room joined in.

Added Branch upon completion of the action, "WOOO! ERIC!" However, this was not the only rapid drinking request Swain received from his roommate this week. The following evening, playing third trumpet at the Brown Orchestra concert, Swain took a brief drink of water during a long rest in the music.

This prompted Branch, the orchestra's tympanist, to immediately abandon his part and begin simultaneously pounding two drums and chanting "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" The rest of the orchestra and conductor soon followed suit as Swain reluctantly downed the contents of his Nalgene water bottle.

"I'm glad he's enthusiastic about having fun and drinking," said Swain "but frankly it's getting a little ridiculous. When I take a sip of coffee or ask him to pass the ketchup, I don't always want to chug, chug, chug it, but I know I'll seem weak if I don't. You don't want to hear what happened when he found out glass is just a really slow flowing liquid."

Other friends have also begun to acknowledge that something might be seriously wrong with Swain, who has on several occasions been spotted on his cell phone on the verge of tears, chugging a large bottle and holding the phone up to his throat so Branch can hear.

Allyson Brieck '11 noted that "he's constantly going to the bathroom, and whenever he approaches a drinking fountain he looks around really shiftily for a few seconds, says "Tim, are you there?" exactly three times, and then sprints past it at full speed. It's weird."

"I haven't seen him at swimming practice lately," said Christian Chandler '10. Aside from his own health, Swain also expressed concerns that Branch's grades may be suffering, estimating that his roommate now spends "at least 10 percent of his time" repeating the word chug.

"Some of [Branch's] demands don't even make sense," continued Swain. "The other day he said he was having trouble connecting his internet, and when I picked up his laptop to try to help, he started yelling for me to chug it. I asked him what he meant, and he suddenly got all silent and just looked at me with this deeply pained and confused expression on his face."

According to Dr. Angela Freeman, Swain may be developing an unconscious chugging reflex which "is extremely dangerous and could prove fatal." Swain says he was prescribed throat medicine intended to help suppress his night chugging, but when he woke up the next morning, the medicine bottle was suspiciously empty.

Swain's Wednesday chemistry lab, which he does not share with Branch, came as a welcome relief from the chugging.

Stressed by the past few days, however, he needed his professor to remind him of the proper way to waft an unknown substance.

"Waft?" replied Professor Baird. "Just chug that shit, man. chug..chug.chug! Come on class! Chug! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! Chug!"

Swain was unavailable for comment.

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