Partly Cloudy, 64°
Jeremy Holton '12 awoke fresh and early at 9 a.m. expecting his first day of sophomore year to be a good one. Thus, the Orgo final exam that he was handed upon walking into MacMillan 117 came as a bit of a shock. Whereas he had expected to wake up on September 9th, he instead found his peers scribbling December 3rd on the covers of their test booklets.
Holton blames the three month coma on a problem with his alarm clock/radio's snooze button and is currently lobbying for an extension on all of the assignments in all of his classes. He is also working to retake his Orgo final exam on which he received a "See me."
"I usually hit the snooze button and then lay in bed half awake waiting for the alarm to go off again," began Holton, wiping a mountainous heap of crust from the corner of his eye. "It tends to feel like months until the alarm goes off, but it's never actually been months before."
Holton seems to harbor resentment towards his roommate, Lee Burnelli '12, for his passive approach in handling the situation. "[Burnelli] is in three of my classes. I understand him wanting to let me sleep, but he didn't wake me up for any of our labs, midterms, even the final. I mean, I had to accept that he was sort of an asshole when I agreed to be in his housing group last year, but still. Come on."
Burnelli argues that he did what any good roommate would do in the situation.
"After a few days I considered calling Health Services, yeah," confessed Burnelli. "But after two weeks I just figured he was going for a Guinness world record or something. Or maybe it was an assignment for a CogSci class. Those psych assignments all seem like bullshit to me, but who am I to mess with experiments? So I just let him sleep."
Burnelli also recounted that Holton's bizarre sleeping habits made it difficult to partake in various college-appropriate activities.
"He was a great roommate most of the time - he wasn't too loud and he never called me in class to tell me that he lost his keys," said Burnelli. "I just wasn't quite sure how to go about sexiling him. I tried putting a sock on the door, but he kept sleeping like it was no big deal, so I figured that was his way of saying he didn't mind what I did with girls in front of him. I would usually blindfold him anyway, though, in case he sleeps with one eye open or something."
Holton also finds it miraculous that he was able to survive for three months lying in a dormitory bed with no source of food or water.
"Well, they started selling Solo cups in 9 packs at CVS recently, and we need ten for a full pong setup," commented Burnelli. "So we just used Jeremy's mouth. As you can imagine, we ended up having a lot of great puns about 'making [the cups] kiss.' Pretty good times."
Holton's parents, who sat in a car in the New Pembroke parking lot for two days during Parents' Weekend, also did not seem surprised by Holton's strange sleep schedule. "He must be working so hard! He probably sleeps all weekend long!" commented his mother, Janet Holton, before finally turning the car around and driving back to Orlando.
When asked to comment, Holton was skittish. "Can we do this interview later? I sort of want to take a nap."
