Partly Cloudy, 64°
Shit is expected to get real any second now at the Olney-Margolies Athletic Complex, where Lily Attison '12 and Toby Dugnam '12 are poised to end this once and for all, on the motherfucking badminton court.
A crowd has gathered to witness the conclusion to a dispute that began earlier today when sources say Dugnam straight up crossed the line. Straight. Up. Crossed the line.
Badminton is a last resort for Attison and Dugnam, who have thus far failed utterly in their attempts to throw down or bring the pain. Attison said she was unsure at this point whether they will even manage a brief tussle, let alone see any major shit go down.
"We tried taking it outside, and then to the parking lot," said Attison, "We took it to the bridge, the chorus, everywhere. Honestly, I didn't think it would be that long before it went down, but we've found ourselves in a frustrating stalemate."
Attison and Dugnam locked gazes with steady resolve as they deftly set up the five-foot net at center court and exchanged ferocious disses against each other's badminton skills. In the few parts of his tirade that were calm enough to be comprehensible, Dugnam predicted that despite her best efforts, Attison would get "absolutely fucking posterize[d]" multiple times before their game was over.
Dugnam denied Attison's allegations that oh no, he hadn't, asserting that oh yes, he had. Dugnam further claimed that if he hadn't, he would have said so, and he hadn't said so.
Though Attison had earlier vowed to bring it, controversy then ensued over whether or not it had already been brought, and by whom.
The start of the game was further delayed as the combatants paused to locate a replacement for Attison's racquet, which she had broken over her knee while demonstrating what she was going to do to Attison after the badminton began. The racquet, she said, was his spirit, while her knee was the righteous hammer of divine justice. The net represented the challenges of forming a post-colonial national identity, but was not important in Attison's analogy.
Experts on Brown's illegal underground street badminton culture were impressed by this unusually prolonged barrage of threats and posturing, which they say has raised the stakes for the match to unprecedented levels. Professor of Badminton and Society Julian Mercer said the sheer shame of a defeat in such a high-stakes match will follow the loser for at least the rest of his life, and probably his children's as well.
If Attison and Dugnam actually manage to play, it will be using standard street rules: first to 11, make-it take-it, call your own fouls, aces and deuces wild. However, both players are known to play dirty, and Attison has asked the referees to watch out for Dugnam's notorious strategy of elbowing his opponent in the face in the middle of long rallies.
At press time, sources at the badminton court are holding their breath in agonized anticipation, waiting for one of the players to make a move. The silence is overwhelming. At last a voice calls out from the back of the crowd.
"Hey! These guys say they need to use the court for basketball. We have to do this later, we better let them play - what? No, of course they can't wait for us to finish our game; look how tall and scary they are! Well, why don't you try talking to them? Yeah. That's what I thought."
