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The Brown Noser

Surgeon General Announces that Elliptical Use Is Not Exercising

Published Wednesday, October 24th, 2007

The Surgeon General announced last week that elliptical machines, thought by some to provide a low-impact yet high-intensity workout, actually provide no workout at all.

Invented in 1995 by fitness equipment company Precor, the elliptical quickly rose to popularity as more and more consumers recognized it as a machine that eliminated some of the unpleasant elements associated with traditional exercise, such as flushed cheeks, perspiration, and actual physical effort.

The Surgeon General's announcement cited recent studies that conclusively show that elliptical use does not increase muscle or cardiovascular endurance, contribute to weight loss, or reduce the risk of disease.

"Sliding your feet around on those little plastic pedals may be fun," the Surgeon General said in his statement, "but it is in no way a valid form of exercise."

The Surgeon General also added, "And neither is sitting on the bike machine, pedaling at 3 miles per hour, and reading a romance novel."

"The announcement is expected to have considerable implications for lazy people everywhere," said health and exercise expert Dr. Marty Norton. Norton predicts that the elliptical will experience a significant drop in popularity, joining the ranks of other not-quite-exercise machinery, such as the medicine ball and "those stretchy plastic bands."

Some students say they have long suspected that elliptical use is not exercising. While working out in the OMAC on a recent afternoon, football player Tom Durham '10 expressed disdain for the fallen-from-grace machine.

"I knew it wasn't exercise. You're not really getting a workout unless you're feeling the burn," he said, bench-pressing the football team's manager.

Others, however, expressed shock and dismay at the news of the announcement. "I cannot believe it," said Tina Marcus '09. "How else am I going to read my Us Weekly, watch Grey's Anatomy, and drink my iced mocha latte, all while getting a super-intense work-out?"

So where can elliptical users turn for a better workout? Pretty much anywhere, according to the Surgeon General. His announcement noted that activities more strenuous than the elliptical include jogging, walking, and watching TV while eating chocolate cake.

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