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Due to a joint effort between the UCS, UFB, BUAC and the ABCDEFG, table slips are being phased out of the dining halls-a transition which many predict will adversely affect the lives of losers and boring people across campus.
"The boring person community relied on table slips for nine-tenths of our dinner conversation," said Dan Berg '11, a nondescript student of average height and build. "And we're not the only ones. Don't forget, lonely Ratty cave-dwellers also used them to pretend they weren't bored sitting by themselves."
"I had lunch with this guy every week after our seminar. The first week after the ban, it was painful. Turns out we really didn't have much to talk about other than making fun of Tech House's movie night selections," Nala O'Reilly '12 said. "He's sort of boring."
"We will remain concerned about the ban until UCS proposes an alternate model for stimulating conversation among the most desperately mismatched dining companions," warned the Brown Daily Herald's editorial page last month. The editorial went on to propose that UCS could send ideas for conversation topics directly to students' cell phones.
"The clear advantage of this idea is that you save time by just getting a text that says 'get in an uninformed, tiring, politically charged debate with your roommate about whether education should be free for everyone' without having to read a whole table slip about a Janus forum event first," explained O'Reilly.
The ban poses other problems as well, such as a centralized system for disseminating crucial information to the community. "Now how will people know that Zete is the co-ed fraternity with the blue swings?" asked Berg in anguish.
Many also expect a noticeable decrease in the high number of students who announce that they're planning to go to the next Lecture Series event, though the number of students who actually attend will likely remain static at 2-4.
"Even when I got take-out, I used to swipe a couple choice announcements about latke-making at Hillel or advertisements for the upcoming Impulse show," reminisced Berg. When asked if he ever went to the events, he looked puzzled. "I don't understand. Of course not. I'm way too busy." He then yawned for 6 minutes. "See? Really tired. I was up till like 4 in the morning on Hulu."
However unpopular the ban, the memories will always persist. "Hey, remember when FemSex and MSex had those totally gross and controversial pictures of, like, genitalia on their table slips?" Berg offered. "What a great day."
A pressing problem remains, however, for dinner companions desperate for a trivial, meaningless common ground on which to converse.
"What are we going to do now," asked Berg, "read the BDH?"
Following these remarks, the interview had to be cut short due to the loudness of the uproarious laughter.
