The Brown Noser

Good Guy To Lose Track Of Foreign Bad Guy In Hanging Fabric Market

American hero Kris Darner PhD was in pursuit of a foreign ne’er-do-well running amok in an exotic land but lost track of his mark in the busy fabric section of the marketplace. “I was feeling pretty confident when I was chasing him through the dunes,” said Darner while being eyed warily by the local children.

RETRACTION: We’re Sorry For Saying Straight Sex Causes Cancer

Our Editors would like to formally apologize for an article that ran last issue claiming straight sex causes multiple kinds of incurable cancers. The article, part of a now-defunct listicle format, was titled, “Twelve Things You Did Not Know Caused Cancer,” and in fact included some inaccurate reporting.

Horny Roommate Sends Sexile When2meet

Early Thursday morning, junior Amy Lin received a When2meet to find the best times for her to sit awkwardly in the hall outside their triple while her roommate fucked. “I’m not really sure how to feel about it,” said Lin over the sound of Careless Whisper blaring from behind her locked dormitory door.

Christina Paxson Awarded “White Boy Of The Year”

In a shocking upset, Brown University President Christina Paxson was recently presented with the prestigious “White Boy Of The Year” award. “It just doesn’t feel fair,” said Jeremy Allen White, who was a favorite to win in spite of his nepotism allegations.

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Bed Bath And Beyond Really Not Recognizing Full Potential Of “Beyond”

Recent reports from the retail sector indicate that Bed Bath and Beyond is really not recognizing the full potential of the word “Beyond.” “They could be selling food, designer clothing, the concept of time, any kind of fuel, clockwork machines, just to name a few examples,” said industry expert Heathcliff Jenkins.

Sheep Convinced Shepherd Only Likes Him for His Wool

Area sheep Shawn has recently come forward with concerns that his shepherd and thought-to-be best friend Gary MacDonald actually only likes him for his luscious, cream-colored coat. “At first, he really had me convinced-” started Shawn, baa-ing from anger between almost every word.

Department Of Mysterious Threats Recommends Walking Away And Forgetting This Ever Happened

Earlier today, the Department of Mysterious Threats issued a recommendation to walk away and forget this ever happened. “Our department advises that you pretend that this was all a bad dream and forget what you saw here,” said department spokesperson Casey Shein, laying a gun on the podium before continuing.

Optimistic Nurse Uses Every Flatline As Learning Opportunity

Local ICU nurse Jennifer Drachman has been praised by colleagues for her unshakable positivity as she continues to treat each patient flatline as, in her words, “a valuable growth moment.” “I just love code blues,” said Drachman, with eyes bright and voice trembling with enthusiasm, as she accidentally silenced the heart monitor.

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Group Of Twenty Students Shocked That Dorm Party They All Pulled Up To Together Is Now Crowded

This weekend, a group of twenty students were shocked that the dorm party they all pulled up to together was suddenly crowded. “I can’t believe it’s so packed in here—I thought this was supposed to be a small, chill thing,” freshman Derek Wiseman shouted while sandwiched between the nineteen friends that he had pregamed with and the dorm room doorframe.

BDH Poll Biased Toward Students Who Aren’t Hurrying to Class

A recently released poll from the Brown Daily Herald was heavily biased toward students who weren’t hurrying to class. “Looking through the data, major statistical discrepancies were found that indicated a wildly inaccurate sample size of students which disproportionately excluded students hurrying to class,” explained Jorge Mendoza, editor of the Herald, in between desperate pleas to students as they walked out of the Ratty.

Joe Biden Still Pulling The Strings

Sources in Washington report that 82-year-old Joe Biden is masterminding the Trump Administration’s current agenda, all from the shadows. “No one in the current admin has any control over the decision-making process,” said an anonymous source known only by the alias, Really Deep Throat.

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Colorblind Jedi Really Having Trouble Telling Who’s Evil

Colorblind Jedi Knight Way-Dan Molibu recently revealed that he’s really having trouble telling who’s evil based on their lightsabers. “Sith use red, Jedi use green. But what about greenish-grayish brown?” asked Molibu while taking an eye exam from an optometrist droid.

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