The Brown Noser

Group Of Twenty Students Shocked That Dorm Party They All Pulled Up To Together Is Now Crowded | Oct 31 2025

This weekend, a group of twenty students were shocked that the dorm party they all pulled up to together was suddenly crowded. “I can’t believe it’s so packed in here—I thought this was supposed to be a small, chill thing,” freshman Derek Wiseman shouted while sandwiched between the nineteen friends that he had pregamed with and the dorm room doorframe.

BDH Poll Biased Toward Students Who Aren’t Hurrying to Class | Oct 31 2025

A recently released poll from the Brown Daily Herald was heavily biased toward students who weren’t hurrying to class. “Looking through the data, major statistical discrepancies were found that indicated a wildly inaccurate sample size of students which disproportionately excluded students hurrying to class,” explained Jorge Mendoza, editor of the Herald, in between desperate pleas to students as they walked out of the Ratty.

Joe Biden Still Pulling The Strings | Oct 31 2025

Sources in Washington report that 82-year-old Joe Biden is masterminding the Trump Administration’s current agenda, all from the shadows. “No one in the current admin has any control over the decision-making process,” said an anonymous source known only by the alias, Really Deep Throat.

Report: Stake Through The Heart Also Works On Normal People | Oct 31 2025

Breakthrough research has recently confirmed that a wooden stake through the heart is equally effective against normal people. “After much testing, including recently-approved human trials, we have concluded that this method is effective regardless of vampiric identity,” said Bethany Sorkin, pointing out the remarkable anatomical similarities between vampires who were once human and humans who are still human.

Polycule Gerrymandered | Oct 31 2025

In the wake of partisan redistricting across the nation, a local polycule has reportedly been gerrymandered. “This is a blatant violation of our house’s constitution,” said Mellisa D’amor, minority leader of the nine-person relationship network.

Clock Keeps Time Despite Everything | Oct 31 2025

Against all odds, a local wall clock reportedly continues to keep time, stoic and unflinching, despite everything it’s seen. “I’ve experienced horrors the likes of which you wouldn’t believe,” said the clock, hands trembling at the memory.

Roommate Not Gonna Let Your Studying Get In The Way Of His Masturbation | Oct 31 2025

Last night, it became increasingly evident that your studying would not dissuade your roommate’s attempt at masturbation. “Oh, you’ve got a midterm tomorrow? Good luck!” said your roommate Antonio Glebbins, tissue box in hand as he began to unbutton his pants.

Depressed Student Uncovers Secret Study Spot Under Traffic Light Between Thayer And Waterman | Oct 31 2025

Sources confirmed that a depressed student discovered a new hidden study spot this week directly beneath the traffic light between Thayer and Waterman Streets. “It’s honestly perfect,” said Abigail Soto ’27, sitting cross-legged in a small pothole between the curb and a no-parking sign, balancing her laptop as cars honked inches away.

Gay Best Friend Taken For Walk | Oct 31 2025

Last Friday, Juju Jackson ’28 was seen taking her GBF Hunter Brady ’28 on a little stroll around the park. “We just love getting to gossip and talk about things like techno and Brat. We’re so Brat. This is so Brat,” said Juju as she placed a choke collar leash on her homo honey.

Lifelong Friendship No Match For Six Beers | Oct 31 2025

In a steamy scene out of Fox Point last week, the lifelong friendship between Lila Wexler and Mason Tuck proved to be no match for six beers. “Mason and I have been best friends since kindergarten, and I’ve literally never thought of him as anything other than a friend.

Creepy Friend With Your Location Gears Up to Correct You During Your Day Recap | Oct 31 2025

Sources report that area woman Olivia Chen’s friend, Carson Vail, who has access to her location, corrected her recounting of her own day. “I love hearing about her version of the day,” claimed Vail while his eyes flickered down to the pulsing blue dot on his phone.

Basil Like Friend Making Hot Tub So Aromatic | Oct 31 2025

In a delicious scene out of Providence this past weekend, the most basil-like friend at the hang was making the hot tub so aromatic. “Sorry guys, I can’t help how strongly the air is gonna smell as soon as I get in hot water,” Art Bertino, your incredibly basil-like friend, said meekly, unaware that everyone was overjoyed at his contribution to the general scent of the hangout.

Five Hour Car Trip Doesn’t Seem So Bad When You Zoom All The Way Out In Google Maps | Oct 31 2025

Just before embarking on a five hour road trip, Alex Bellum discovered that the ride didn’t seem so bad when he zoomed all the way out on Google Maps. “Well at first, I just wanted to see the total distance I‘d be covering, but then I just kept zooming out, and it seemed like the whole trip was almost no distance at all!” stated Bellum, removing all the gas stations from along his route.

Hillary Clinton Wants You to PokemonGo to Her Lecture | Oct 31 2025

Madam Secretary Hillary Rodham Clinton has started a new campaign to encourage students to PokemonGo to her lecture on campus. “I hear you kids think PokemonGo is pretty rad,” said the former Secretary of State in a video posted to Facebook. “I don’t know who created PokemonGo.

Indie Friend Excited About Their New Piece Of Decrepit Technology | Oct 31 2025

Recent reports indicate that your Brown-RISD dual degree friend, Gracie, is absolutely thrilled about acquiring an obsolete piece of technology. “Look! Look! Can you believe I just got these headphones?” Gracie stated, holding a piece of technology that has not seen the light of day in at least two and a half decades.

Student Film Definitely Filmed By Student | Oct 31 2025

In recent news, that student film was definitely filmed by students. “This camera work… well, clearly a student was holding the camera,” stated Rhode Island International Film Festival programming coordinator Avery Lachland, squinting at the film’s shaky, slightly unfocused opening scene of a young man smoking on a fire escape.

Hunger Games Honestly Pretty Good Solution To Bloated A Cappella Scene | Oct 31 2025

Field analysis indicates that the overpopulation in Brown’s a cappella community could easily be mitigated through massive, tournament-style violence. “It’s really the only way forward,” said SAO manager Bowen Fleming after the demand for silly little hats had risen by over 80 percent.

Report: Fuck! Roommate In The Room Again | Oct 31 2025

Local reports indicate that Julia Chen’s fucking roommate is in the fucking room again. “Okay, I know it’s fine and it’s her space too, I shouldn’t expect her not to be in here,” Julia stated as her chosen roommate Kendra Williams quietly worked on a pset at her desk.

Quinoa Stuns Salad Amateur | Oct 31 2025

Pat Greyford, who only recently began making salads by himself, was stunned by his first quinoa encounter. “I was totally astonished by those small, brownish spheres,” Greyford recalled, shoveling lettuce onto his plate. “First, I thought it was mini pasta, or maybe mini meat.

Three Person Group Chat Morphs Into Voyeuristic One-on-One | Oct 31 2025

A group chat between three friends morphed into a strange, voyeuristic exercise as one member stopped contributing while the other two carried out a conversation. “I felt like I had nothing more to contribute to the conversation,” said sophomore John McLean, anxiously awaiting the next notification from the group chat.

Arrested Game Theory Professor Excited For Real Life Prisoner’s Dilemma | Oct 31 2025

As an alleged accomplice to murder, arrested game theory professor Jeffery deScissors is excited to face his first real life prisoner’s dilemma. “Finally! I waited my whole life for this moment!” shouted deScissors as he was dragged away in a pair of handcuffs.

Garfield Chest Tattoo Distracts From Jon Half- Sleeve and Odie Tramp Stamp | Oct 31 2025

Area man Rodney Kleeson was devastated to discover that his new Garfield chest tattoo distracts from his Jon half-sleeve and Odie tramp stamp. “Yeah, the Garf tat was supposed to be my crown jewel—my pièce de résistance, if you will,” Kleeson explained, pulling off his sweat-stained graphic tee to reveal a hairy chest emblazoned with the orange face of America’s most cynical feline.

Arts & Culture (Oct 31 2025 issue)