The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Sep 05 2014 issue)

Freshman’s Attempt To Reinvent Self Abandoned In First Conversation | Sep 05 2014

Sources report that in his first conversation with his new peers, Joshua Soule ‘18 gave up all plans to present a cooler, more confident version of himself. “Before getting to school, I had decided to introduce myself as ‘Josh,’" said Soule, “but when asked my name, ‘Joshua’ just came out and I realized I can’t hide from who I really am.

Navy Officer Hopes He Won’t Get Splashed | Sep 05 2014

Stepping from a Newport News pier onto the USS “Wasp” for the very first time, newly commissioned Navy officer Frederick Biffles told shipmates yesterday that he sure hopes he won’t get splashed during his one-year tour of duty. “Pretty nervous about shipping out to Afghanistan, what with all the opportunities for water to splash up and daub my fresh new Navy outfit,” Biffles said as he patted his uniform to affirm its dryness.

"Seniors!" Chants Man Who Will Be $80,000 In Debt And Unemployed In Nine Months | Sep 05 2014

Upon being reunited with several classmates, Joshua Thompson ’15, who in nine months will have some $80,000 of student loan debt and be unemployed, shouted, “Seniors!” “This is our year,” proclaimed Thompson, apparently unaware he would be graduating into a near-nonexistent job market, ultimately rendering him unable to find employment, let alone anything high-paying enough to put a dent into the debt he will have accumulated over the course of his college career.

Corporation Considers Changing Name To Something Less Accurate | Sep 05 2014

Noting that the word carries with it uncomfortably truthful connotations of shadowy back-door dealing and disregard for human concerns in the pursuit of profit, the Corporation announced that it was in the process of devising a new, far less accurate name.

Email From President Paxson Surely A Goldmine of Sensitivity and Genuine, Decisive Action | Sep 05 2014

The subject line “A Message From President Paxson” on an email sent to students yesterday virtually guaranteed a message full of thoughtful exchange and a commitment to making substantive, positive change in University policies. The email, which thousands of University students and staff received with delight, almost certainly promised to reinforce the idea that President Christina Paxson has the best interests of the student body at heart.

Professor Had Great Summer, Thanks For Asking | Sep 05 2014

Upon being asked by student Lisa Yu how his summer was, Professor Larry Moss replied, “Great, thanks for asking.” When Yu continued to ask if he had done anything fun, Moss said, “Nothing too exciting. It was pretty low key." Moss proceeded to describe his summer in the most vague and impersonal way as possible.

Rogue Tour Guide Just Pointing Out Places She Hangs Out | Sep 05 2014

Alice Brett ’16, a tour guide who likes to show prospective students “the real Brown experience,” essentially only mentions places where she likes to hang out in her free time. “See that beautiful, Georgian-style academic building? That bench in front of it is where I chill every Tuesday after class,” Brett said as she passed Wilson Hall.

Diner Owner Kind Of Disappointed That No Deals Have Gone Down In Corner Booth Yet | Sep 05 2014

Saying that even a small-time drug deal would be fun, Southside Diner owner Jim Capelli admitted that he was kind of disappointed in the lack of deals that have gone down in the corner booth of his establishment. “Business is good, but by now I’d hoped to at least see a few guys say they understand each other perfectly back there,” said Capelli, who opened the diner in 2011.