The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Dec 05 2014 issue)

Janus Forum To Host Debate Between White Supremacist, Meaner White Supremacist | Dec 05 2014

Saying that they hope to provoke discussion about a controversial topic, Brown’s Janus Forum lecture series will host a debate between white supremacist Rick Foster and even meaner white supremacist Dan Donahue this month, sources confirmed. “The Janus Forum is committed to hearing diverse perspectives on a variety of difficult issues,” Political Theory Project Director John Tomasi said, noting that Foster’s mild-mannered white supremacy will serve as an important counterpoint to the violent and unhinged white supremacy of Donahue.

Ailing Grandmother Sets Up Camp In Corner Of Family Party | Dec 05 2014

Saying that she is perfectly content to just enjoy the party from her favorite chair, 87-year-old grandmother Helen Gellman reportedly set up camp in the corner of a family party at her daughter’s home on Sunday. “I’m just fine right here, I like to watch you all having a good time,” said Gellman, who had a hip replacement in August and has reportedly remained seated for the entirety of the party with a blanket draped over her knees and a small plate of snacks, petting the cat whenever it walked by the chair she had settled into.

Nostalgic Parent Showing Daughter Around Alma Mater Points Out Food Truck Where He Used To Get Late-Night Burritos Alone | Dec 05 2014

Area man Mike Haddon reportedly spent last Wednesday showing his high school aged daughter, Sarah Haddon, around his alma mater, nostalgically pointing out the food truck where he ordered late-night burritos to eat alone in his room. “I can’t believe Marty’s still exists! I must’ve walked to this truck in my pajama pants at least four nights a week,” Haddon told his daughter excitedly, smiling upon remembering the time he ate a large burrito in five minutes, in the dark, so he would not wake his sleeping roommate.

Poll: 98% Of Freshmen Dislike It When You Crawl Into Their Beds At Night And Whisper The Speech From "Braveheart" Into Their Ears | Dec 05 2014

Results of a recent poll revealed that 98% of freshmen dislike it when you crawl into their beds at night and whisper the speech from “Braveheart” into their ears. The survey’s results show a slight increase from last year’s freshman class in the amount of people who wouldn’t want you between their sheets at 3:00 a.m.

Report: Hunchbacked Hermit Residing Inside Bell Tower Still Highest Paid University Employee | Dec 05 2014

According to a recent report addressing university spending, Edmure Grogoch, the reclusive hunchback of the bell tower, is still the highest paid university employee. Grogoch, Keeper of the Bells at Carrie Tower, has an annual income of nearly $3 million.

Student Joins Army To Get Out Of Tough Exam | Dec 05 2014

Saying that he had a busy week and couldn’t find the time to study, student Peter Marigold ‘17 joined the army yesterday to get out of a tough linear algebra exam. “I’d only gotten through the first two or so sections of the study guide the night before, so I figured I’d think up a good excuse to get out of taking the test,” said Marigold, who will reportedly be deployed to Afghanistan within the month.

Woman Keeps Forgetting To Laugh During Ironic Viewing Of Bad Movie | Dec 05 2014

At an screening of “The Happening” in a friend’s Keeney Quadrangle room, Casey Murphy ’18 has been forgetting to ironically laugh at how bad the movie is. During the film’s humorously terrible scenes and poorly executed horror cinematography, Murphy forgot to laugh at the appropriate times.

“Only At Brown,” Says Student About Event That Could Happen At Any Other School | Dec 05 2014

Sighing happily and shaking her head, Jessica Arlenstone ‘17 used the phrase “Only At Brown” yesterday to refer to an event that could have occurred at any college or university. The event, a flash mob used to promote an upcoming student theater production, seemed to make sense at Brown just as it would make sense at Yale or the University of Tennessee or any other place of higher education populated by 18 to 22-year-olds.

Area Cashier Excited To Switch From “Have a Nice Day” To “Have a Good Night” | Dec 05 2014

Calling it the highlight of his evening, local Whole Foods cashier Douglas Porter expressed excitement Thursday afternoon about switching his parting message to customers from “have a nice day,” to “have a good night.” Porter, who has been a cashier since June, says he rarely takes pleasure from his work.

Pen Testing Pad A Grotesque Example Of Man's Animal Nature | Dec 05 2014

Nation’s Assembly Line Workers Demand Even More Specific Tasks | Dec 05 2014

Demanding that they deal with greater minutia on a daily basis, the nation’s assembly line workers said yesterday that they’d like to be given even more specific tasks. “We on the assembly line are sick and tired of doing specific things like welding a single axle onto a car or placing a tiny chip inside a cell phone, and instead want to do super specific things like installing one key onto a laptop keyboard,” said Art Johnston of the American Assembly Line Workers Association, adding that he hoped the age of placing individual parts into larger products would end in lieu of an age of putting smaller individual parts onto slightly bigger individual parts.