The Brown Noser

Report: 50 Percent Of Couple Excited For Valentine’s Day | Feb 07 2025

A new national report indicates that 50 percent of a couple is excited for Valentine’s Day. “I think it’s a great way for loving couples to express their adoration for one another in sweet, well thought-out ways,” said 50 percent of respondents.

Fake Plant Dies | Feb 07 2025

The fake plant adorning the desk of a Brown junior was found withered and, well, dead after the student returned from winter break. “I didn’t know that could happen,” said owner Nate Westbrook, who had tried real plants in the past, only for them to slowly but surely turn brown from neglect.

Snow Angel Actually Just Regular Angel Who Had Rough Night | Feb 07 2025

Reports indicate that an innocent snow angel actually turned out to be a normal angel recovering from what witnesses describe as a “legendary night out ending in a flurry of disaster.” “Ohhh yeah, I’ve really done it this time,” admitted the angel, who was still lying face-down in the snow with a faint odor of tequila lingering.

Archnemesis Sees You As Just Regular Nemesis | Feb 07 2025

Sources indicate that your worst nemesis sees you as nothing more than a regular nemesis. “Alex is the lowest scum on this earth. When he enters a room, a bone-chilling draft accompanies him as if to announce his malicious presence to the unfortunate souls who have the displeasure of interacting with him,” said Owen, plotting a brutal retaliation against his mortal archnemesis Alex.

Tissue Box Suspiciously Close To Man's Bed | Feb 07 2025

Disconcerted sources report that a tissue box is suspiciously close to a local man’s bed. “When I walked by that guy’s room, he had a tissue box really close to his bed,” commented concerned passerby Noah Daphne, eyeing the box of tissues placed directly on his friend’s nightstand.

Luke T. Gonna Leave Some Boogers In Your Valentine Mailbox | Feb 07 2025

Sources indicate during valentine making time in Ms. Garcia’s fourth grade class that Luke T. is gonna put some boogers in the valentine mailbox. “I’m putting boogers in your valentine mailbox!” declared Luke T. during the valentine period with eighteen already-prepared little congealed snot balls sitting on his desk, begging to be smothering over a valentine.

New Studies Show That Life Is Actually Nothing Like A Highway | Feb 07 2025

New studies by the Department of Transportation suggest that life is actually nothing like a highway. “I mean, first, highways are really long and made of concrete,” said Dana Carell, research supervisor, while searching life for overpasses and carpool lanes.

Loss Of Consciousness After Blood Donation Worth It For Sweet, Sweet Lorna Doones | Feb 07 2025

According to blood donor Sally Whittemore, losing consciousness after her blood donation was totally worth it for sweet, sweet Lorna Doones. “I love giving blood,” remarked Whittemore, surrounded by nurses who were gently fanning her and handing her an ice pack.

Butt Crack Peeking Over Waistband Begging For Coin To Be Placed In It | Feb 07 2025

According to a Brown student, this butt crack peeking over a waistband is practically begging for a coin to be placed in it. “You cannot tell me that that butt crack sneaking out ever-so-slightly between that shirt and waistband is not inviting a quarter to be dropped gingerly into it,” said Alex Grabbage, who had just withdrawn three hundred dollars in quarters before class.

Report: Parakeet Definitely The Gay One In Bird Friend Group | Feb 07 2025

After further naturalistic observation, scientists have published a report detailing how the parakeet is definitely the queer one in the bird friend group. “We have been observing this bird friend group for almost eight months now, and we can confidently conclude that the parakeet is a fruitcake,” the report disclosed, explaining how the flamboyant bird was caught chirping to his friends with a limp wrist.

Dirt-Eating Child Simultaneously Pickiest Eater | Feb 07 2025

Reports indicate that Grayson, grimy little kid boy who spends each recess sitting on the ground eating dirt, is a picky eater. “I hate vegetables! I WON’T eat them. I hate them! I hate them! I hate them!” reported Grayson when asked about his dietary preferences with a belly full of mud, glue, yarn, and 1x1 lego pieces.

Male Dominated Field Unfortunately Not Even Dominated By Hot Males | Feb 07 2025

In a tragic scene out of a local Barclays office this week, it was reported that even though the company was male dominated, it was not dominated by hot males. “Women have a long way to go in this field,” reported junior associate Megan Plotsky as she scanned the room with disappointment.

Prime Suspect In Murder Looks Strangely Like Gun | Feb 07 2025

Reports from the Providence Police Department indicate that their prime suspect in a recent murder case looks strangely like a gun. “It was like a flash,” recalled Marise Goodrow, a witness to the crime. “One instant, all is peaceful and quiet, the next, a roughly gun-shaped person went ‘bang!’ real loud, and they shot a projectile from their mouth directly at my friend, killing her instantly! Oh, but I got a great view of the perpetrator.

Area Man Applies To Professional Lying Job With 8 Billion Years Of Experience | Feb 07 2025

Sources from LinkedIn Headquarters indicate that area man Richie Jenkins has applied to a professional lying job with 8 billion years of experience. “I’ve been lying my ass off for the past 8 billion years, and because nobody has that much experience, I am the perfect person to hire,” Jenkins said with complete sincerity during his interview.

Report: Potion Of Ants Does Exactly What It Sounds Like | Feb 07 2025

A recent study from the Narnwartz School of Wizarding confirmed that the Potion of Ants performs the exact function that its name indicates. “Yes, well, I suppose we should’ve seen this coming,” said Headmaster Tiberius Sprimble as the Potion of Ants did its thing.

Report: Fish In A Barrel Would Actually Be Hard To Shoot If Barrel Was Really Big | Feb 07 2025

According to a report published by MIT’s School of Engineering, shooting fish in a barrel becomes significantly harder if the fish are housed in a very large barrel. “The term ‘shooting fish in a barrel’ is frequently invoked to describe a task as foolproof.

Fat Squirrel Borderline Dog | Feb 07 2025

According to recent reports, a fat squirrel is basically a dog. “Is that a dog?” asked Greg Marks, looking straight at the 20 pound, trash-eating, tick-infested beast of a rodent. “Did it just crawl out of the dumpster?” “It might be a chihuahua,” added Angel Marks, also staring down the circle-shaped mammal.

Economics To Assume All Individuals Act Rationally And Would Never Buy A Minion-Themed Maid Costume Off Of Temu | Feb 07 2025

According to recent reports, the entire field of economics assumed all individuals would act rationally and never buy a minion-themed maid costume off of Temu. “Individuals make choices that will maximize their benefit,” said Professor of Economics Steven Hill as you added a bright yellow and denim Temu maid costume to your cart.

Local Teen Tragically Loses Eyesight In Viral TikTok “Stab Yourself In the Eye” Challenge | Feb 07 2025

Local teenager Zach Dunlap has regrettably lost his eyesight after participating in the TikTok challenge based around stabbing yourself in the eye. “Unfortunately, the vision loss seems to be permanent,” commented optometrist Sean Moyer, consoling Zach’s grieving parents.

Piece Of Hay In Needlestack Easy To Find But Painful To Retrieve | Feb 07 2025

Sources indicate that a piece of hay in a needlestack is quite easy to find, but very painful to retrieve. “Sure, I could spot it, easy,” said Robert Leponge, who last Wednesday attempted to solve the far lesser-known, age-old problem. “But when I went to grab it, YE- OWWW! Poke city!!” “To be honest, I don’t even know,” said Leponge, when asked about his motivation for retrieving the singular strand of hay from the dense, spiny thicket.

National Yarn Shortage Since Grandma Millipede Started Knitting All Her Grandbabies Socks | Feb 07 2025

The United States is now experiencing a massive yarn shortage since Grandma Millipede started knitting socks for all of her grandbabies. “At their prime rate of 300 eggs—each holding a precious baby with 400 tiny feet—just one of my children can require 120,000 socks within a few weeks,” said Grandma Millipede, knitting a different sock with each of her sets of feet.

Mohawk So Flimsy | Feb 07 2025

A local man’s mohawk was observed to actually be so flimsy. “Don’t you love this sick style? I feel so edgy, man,” said Providence resident Pete McCandless, whose mohawk was totally flopping over at the tips. “Don’t I look so sharp?” “All it takes is a little bit of hair gel and a few minutes in the mirror,” continued McCandless as a slight gust of wind threatened to wreck the already structurally-dubious mohawk.

Standing In Times Square For 17 Hours In Dirty Diaper Definitely Most Promising Way To Start New Year | Feb 07 2025

Sources from New York City report that the single best way to start off the new year is to stand around in Times Square for 17 hours in a dirty diaper. “I haven’t moved from my spot since 5 AM. See right up there? That’s where the ball is going to drop,” giggled Dawn Devers, who also hadn’t changed her diaper since 5 AM.

Grandma’s Urn No Match For Acrobatic Cat | Feb 07 2025

In a tragic report out of the living room, it turns out Grandma’s urn was absolutely no match for the family’s highly acrobatic cat. “We wanted Grammie to be near us always, so we put her on this shelf,” said Nancy Meyer, pointing to the shelf that was clearly not high enough to prevent an aerial bombardment from the family tabby.

Unicorn Starbucks Unveils Human Frappuccino | Feb 07 2025

The Unicorn Starbucks of the enchanted forest announced a new human flavored frappuccino for their winter menu. “We didn’t just come up with this idea on our own. I mean, so many people put their hearts into this frappuccino,” said Unicorn Starbucks Manager Aurora Sparkles as she tossed a human heart into a blender.

Off Campus (Feb 07 2025 issue)