Reports indicate that an innocent snow angel actually turned out to be a normal angel recovering from what witnesses describe as a “legendary night out ending in a flurry of disaster.”

“Ohhh yeah, I’ve really done it this time,” admitted the angel, who was still lying face-down in the snow with a faint odor of tequila lingering. “One drink at happy hour turned into karaoke, then shots, and then, uhh…I think there was a mechanical bull? Next thing I know, I’m here. I knew I should’ve just stuck with the wine, like, what could have gone wrong when it worked so well for Jesus?”

“I figured some kids just got really into making a snow angel,” said eyewitness Lauren Adams, who discovered the fallen angel while walking to work. “Then I saw the perfectly feathered wings and the glowing halo, and I heard it groan something like, ‘This is definitely not the pearly gates.’ That’s when I knew something was off.”

“I guess they don’t call me a snow angel for nothing,” the angel muttered, wiping at her nose. “Let’s just say I was really into the powder last night—a big ‘white Christmas.’ If anyone asks, I was helping a lost soul find their way or whatever. You’d be amazed at how much you can get away with when you just say it’s God’s will.”

At press time, a local snowman was actually just a frozen regular man who probably had an even rougher night.

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