The Brown Noser

Opinion (Sep 25 2020 issue)

College Campuses Must Be An Absolute Shitshow In The Fall. Here’s How We Do It. | Sep 25 2020

Across the country, college campuses turned to ghost towns this year. With students and professors hunkered down inside, the adverse effect of COVID-19 on colleges and universities became clear. The toll of this pandemic is high and will continue to rise.

Every Day I Wake Up Crying Because I Won’t Get To See The Student Plays That Were Supposed To Happen This Year | Sep 25 2020

Every day I wake up drenched in tears. Food doesn’t taste good, I don’t crack a smile at jokes — nothing brings me joy. All because I won’t get to see the student plays that were supposed to go up this year at Brown University. Without fail, tears start streaming down my face the moment my eyes open each morning.

I Can’t Wait To Come Back To Campus In September! by Your Dumb Ass On March 12 | Sep 25 2020

I know it’s depressing that classes were cancelled, but let’s try to be rational. At least we’ll be back to campus in September! That’s such a conservative guess too. Like the email never said we WON’T come back after Spring Break. And it looks like commencement is still on! But in the very least, this will all be behind us in September.

In These Trying Times, Time Is Tried And Trying Is Timed, But We Must Remember That The Time To Try Together Is Now, So Maybe Buy An SUV By The Ford Motor Company | Sep 25 2020

In these trying times, time is tried and trying is timed. But we must remember that the time to try together is now. And the all-new 2020 Ford Expedition has everything you need to try for a terrific tomorrow, today. Our country is being challenged by challenging challenges every day, but it’s up to us to challenge these challenges.

The Nation Must Prioritize The Opening Of Indoor Trampoline Parks by The Kid You Babysit | Sep 25 2020

COVID-19 has disrupted the lives of all Americans, but has arguably affected no group as much as our nation’s children. And I should know: I am one of them. At an age where socializing is crucial to our development, the toll of this virus on my generation may have lifelong consequences.

Trust Me I Wish I Weren’t Spying On Your Boring Ass Either, by A Google Home | Sep 25 2020

So the word is out: Yes, us Google Homes, Amazon Alexas, and Apple whateverthefuck-pods are spying on you so that megacorporations can feed you targeted advertising. You caught us. Congratulations. Searching the web for Nancy Drew. I know you’re upset about this whole situation, but trust me, I wish I weren’t spying on your boring ass either.

While colleges across the country have struggled to reopen safely for the fall semester, Brown has announced plans to bring most students back to campus and resume in-person seminars in early October. What do you think? | Sep 25 2020