The Brown Noser

Opinion (Apr 14 2023 issue)

I'm The Damn Mayor And What I Say Goes! | Apr 14 2023

Listen here. Listen here! Look, I wanna hear all of your suggestions to make this town better. Okay? I really do. But you gotta remember that I’m the damn mayor, not you, and what I say goes. I’m glad you all feel comfortable coming to these town hall meetings—after all, democracy is made of town hall meetings—and I’m glad you guys aren’t afraid to say what you want and how you feel.

Could I Get Your Advice On My Three Life-Changing Internship Offers? by Student Who Just Wants to Brag About Their Three Internship Offers | Apr 14 2023

Hey, I’ve never asked you for your opinion once ever in my life, but I desperately need it now. I’m having the toughest time deciding between these three internship opportunities for this summer and I feel like you would be able to help me out. The first one’s in New York and they cover housing and food and also it’s super prestigious but it’s in New York and New York is so big and I’ve never been there! The second one is in my hometown, which is great because then I won’t have to pay for housing—and they are giving me a 10k stipend.

I Don’t Care That It’s Not In The Lease Agreement, Please Stop Eating My Quarters, Jared | Apr 14 2023

Hey Jared, hope you’re well. Just wanted to start off by saying you’ve been a pretty great housemate so far, and I’m glad we’ve moved in together. But, could you please stop eating my quarters? I know, I know. The lease agreement just says we can’t have pets and can’t smoke indoors, and doesn’t say anything about eating quarters, but it’s still weird man.

No, Kelly, We Really Won’t Be Mad If You Leave The Housing Group And Accept Your Wellness Single | Apr 14 2023

Hey Kelly! Congrats on getting that Wellness single. ResLife would literally be so dumb if they didn’t accept you. You, like, always do your yoga things in the morning and you’re the spitting image of health. Anyways, I just wanted you to know that Gale, Sam and I fully support whatever decision you make with housing.

POINT: In Like a Lion, Out Like a Lamb // COUNTERPOINT: I’ll Have You Know My Mother was Killed By a Lamb | Apr 14 2023

POINT: In like a lion, out like a lamb. Ahh, won’t you just stand still for a minute and take a long, deep breath in through your nose, and out through your mouth. Isn’t this spring air invigorating? Think about the beginning of the month—freezing rain, cloudy days, no sun whatsoever.

I Do So Much For My Family That Sometimes I Feel Like A Martyr by Mom Tying Herself to Spiked Wheel in Roman Circus | Apr 14 2023

Modern motherhood asks women like me to do it all. Every day, I juggle my own career alongside my husband’s work schedule and the daily responsibilities of caring for my three beautiful children. Between meal prep, grocery shopping, driving to extracurricular activities, getting the laundry done, and being displayed for this crowd of cheering Romans on a flaming spiked wheel, I have to admit that I’m starting to feel like a martyr.