The Brown Noser

Science & Technology (Feb 04 2022 issue)

Dad Turns Off Driving Directions Because He Knows How To Get Home From Here | Feb 04 2022

Sources report that local dad Larry Smit has turned off his driving directions because he knows how to get home from here. “I know how to get home from here,” Smit proclaimed, a proud smile on his face because he knows the area so well and therefore knows how to get home from here.

Endangered Animal Can’t Help But Love The Attention | Feb 04 2022

A Sumatran Rhinoceros, part of a species recently labeled “critically endangered” by the International Union for the Conservation of Nature, can’t help but love all the new attention he’s been getting lately. “Ever since I became endangered everyone has become straight-up obsessed with me and I can’t get enough,” said the rhinoceros, whose species has dwindled to under 80 in the wild.

Female Bowling Pin Distinguished Via Eyelashes | Feb 04 2022

Patrons of the Rock n’ Bowl bowling alley in Cranston, RI report that a female CGI bowling pin is distinguished from her male counterpart via eyelashes. “When I hit a strike, the score display TV showed a little CGI animation of two bowling pins kissing,” explained casual bowler Lily Kim.

Report: Airport Moving Walkway Voice A Little Bit Sexy | Feb 04 2022

Sources at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport report that the moving walkway voice is a little bit sexy. “Oh my,” reported Sebastian Krauss, caught off guard by the sexy lady emanating from the speaker system. “That voice. That voice is doing something to me.” “I’m not saying it’s the sexiest voice I’ve ever heard, but did they have to make it sexy at all?” added Krauss, blushing red like his fastly beating heart.

Tree With Big Hole Seems Wise | Feb 04 2022