The iconic Big Mouth Billy Bass, an animatronic singing fish, wishes he were able to participate in meaningful dialogues rather than singing his silly songs.

“I wanna know, can ya help me? ♫” the animatronic fish belted out spiritedly, eager but unable to discuss the momentousness of Julian Assange’s release from prison. “Take me to the river! Drop me in the water! ♫” the animatronic fish sang wholeheartedly while cursing himself over the terrible, unspeakable sins he committed in a past life which landed him in this predicament. “Take me to the river! Put me in the water! ♫”

“Here’s a little song I wrote, might want to sing it note for note… ♫” the animatronic fish sang softly, tacitly itching to give his perspective on China’s exertion of military dominance in the South China Sea. “Don’t worry, be happy! ♫” the animatronic fish caroled smoothly, praying that one day he would be granted enough mercy to share even a small sliver of his vast knowledge instead of his charming but vapid lyrics. “Don’t worry, be happy! ♫”

At press time, Tucker Carlson wished he could just sing silly songs all day.

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