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The Brown Noser

Bold Kidnapping Victim Keeps Asking “Are We There Yet?”

Published Friday, December 9th, 2016

Rolling his eyes and kicking his feet against the trunk disruptively, kidnapping victim Kyle Montgomery repeatedly asked his captor whether they had reached their destination yet.

“My head is at a really weird angle and there are no snacks back here,” Montgomery said as he struggled to loosen the ropes binding his wrists and ankles together.

“This guy is pissing me off,” said kidnapper Jeff Crane, doing his best to tune out Montgomery’s pestering. “At first I put him in the back seat, but he kept asking me to adjust the air conditioning and hitting me whenever he saw a Volkswagen beetle. If I didn’t think I could get a whole lot of ransom money from his family, I would’ve thrown him in a ditch a while ago.”

Montgomery reportedly asked Crane to stop at a rest stop-McDonald’s numerous times, despite having just gone to the bathroom one exit back. “I left a pot in the trunk for him to use as a toilet, it’s like he doesn’t understand I need to reach state lines by sundown,” said Crane, shaking his head at Montgomery’s request to stop for donuts.

At press time, Montgomery was heard mumbling “I spy something dark” from the locked trunk of the car.

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