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The Brown Noser

Clark Kent Runs Away Every Time Something Scary Happens And It’s Starting To Make Me Think He’s A Big Coward By Jimmy Olson

Published Friday, April 21st, 2017

Clark Kent is my best friend. He’s a really good guy and a talented reporter, but recently a lot of bad things have been happening all over Metropolis, and every time something scary happens, Clark bolts. I don’t see him again until the city is safe and the threat is gone. I hate to say it, but this is starting to make me think he is a big coward.

When frightening stuff happens, like when Doomsday crushes skyscrapers and throws busses into billboards, Superman comes and beats him up and saves the day. I love when Superman comes and saves us all, and it makes me sad that my friend Clark has never been able to see him because he is so scared of conflict. Let’s just say if I had a dollar for every time I was watching Superman fight Darkseid and I turned and said “Clark, look, how cool!” only to see that Clark wasn’t actually there, I’d be a rich man.

Sometimes when a big catastrophe happens, or a huge fight breaks out, I see Clark run into a phone booth as fast as he can. It’s so sad that not only is he a coward, but his survival instincts are just awful.

It makes sense to me that Clark is sort of a coward. He was raised on a farm and his parents are pretty old, so it doesn’t surprise me that he grew up sheltered and now can’t handle the noise and stress of the big city. Also, he wears really big glasses, so I assume he’s somewhat self-conscious about that. I feel awful saying all these negative things about him when I know it’s not his fault, but I am worried that soon other people are going to realize that Clark is a big scaredy-cat and make fun of him for it.

I just wish he could be a little braver.

Clark is the definition of “flight” in terms of “fight or flight” reactions. Sometimes when he runs away from explosions or loud crashes, I see that he starts taking off his shirt as he leaves. I have a feeling he’s doing this as some sort of psychological defense mechanism. It’s just so embarrassing. I wish I could say something to him about it, but he’s so delicate that I know it would hurt his feelings a lot.

Also I feel bad because I heard a rumor that my friend Lois Lane just started dating Superman, and I know Clark has a crush on her. When he finds out, it will break his heart. It’s so sad that Clark is blind to the fact that Superman is totally Lois’s type, and that he himself couldn’t be further from it. I guess it’s my job to shield my friend from this truth. I hate to do it, but I have to be strong for Clark, because he is so, so weak.

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