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The Brown Noser

Close, But No Cigar, Says Man Just Given Cigarette

Published Saturday, February 18th, 2023

Sources report that the statement “close, but no cigar,” was uttered by a man who was just given a cigarette.

“I understand that some individuals might find them to be similar, or even the same,” said Harold Browinger, thinking about how if this was given to him in celebration of a baby’s birth, the parents must be celebrating either the birth of a rat or an extremely premature human. “However, they are quite different.”

“You might think they are the same because they are both a means of transporting smoke in and out of your airways,” continued Browinger, thinking about how actually anyone could confuse the two because a cigar is at least four times as big as a cigarette and twice as heavy, not to mention the difference in color. “But one promises lung cancer in a much more sophisticated way, and I’d rather that, don’t you think?”

At press time, a man was seen leading a horse to water but failing to get it to drink.

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