Lazareuth Dowl ‘15 is terrified by his parents’ return to campus in late October after his mother and father spent all of move-in weekend embarrassing him by making awkward interruptions, publicly cleaning food off his face and viciously attacking his hallmates’ ankles.
Like many students, Dowl worries that interactions between his parents and friends will be a source of humiliation. “Everyone is going to think they have ‘hick’ accents,” said Dowl. “Instead of saying ‘WAH-ter’, they say ‘GGGRRRROWLLGRRRRGRRR.’"
“[My parents] just don’t understand,” added Dowl. "I know their intentions are good, but it wouldn’t kill them to close their mouths when they eat, learn to use a toilet or stop howling at the smoke detector.”
Dowl complained that although he loves his parents, when it comes to making a good impression, they “just don’t get it.”
“I bet my mom will refuse to take her fur coat off like she always does,” he added. “You can’t wear fur at Brown! Everyone will think we’re rich and pretentious.”
“It’s not that they don’t have social skills; it’s just that when they were growing up, the culture was very different,” said Dowl. “It wasn’t weird to bare your teeth at things you don’t like, leave your weaker babies to die in the forest or murder small rabbits with your powerful fangs and drag its blood-dripping body back to the den for your pups to feast on the freshly deceased raw meat.”
Dowl’s fears are exacerbated by his peers’ reaction to his family during move-in weekend. Jim Braw ’15, Dowl’s canine-allergic roommate, thought at first that Dowl had brought a poorly trained set of rabid dogs with him.
“Dowl introduced the animals as ‘mom and dad,’” said Braw, “then chewed on a slab of raw meat dangling from ‘dad’s’ mouth and after pushed over ‘mom’ to suck wolf-milk from three of her eight nipples.”
“My mom insisted on sleeping in my room with me the first night, then tore into my suitcase with her claws so that everyone could see my medications," said Dowl. "She even ate that lacrosse douche across the hall. Granted, it was only because she couldn’t find the way out and got hungry but still. It reflects poorly on me.”
At press time Dowl was seen wrestling a turkey-foccacia sandwich from a Blue Room employee while his wolf family bled her from the neck.