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The Brown Noser

“Heavenly” Hazelnut? I Don’t Think So.

Published Friday, December 7th, 2018

Hey! Ratty. I’ve got a question for you. Where do you get off lying to us like this? I see straight through you and I’m not going to let you get away with this. I mean, “Heavenly” Hazelnut? I don’t think so.

I came to the Ratty for a delicious caffeine boost. Imagine my surprise when I tasted your disgusting excuse for flavored coffee. If you advertise something as “heavenly,” you better be able to back it up. I mean, that coffee better taste godly, like it was taken from the ripest, yummiest coffee beans in Heaven. But the stuff you’re serving? It’s not heavenly at all. You must have a lot of nerve, making an empty claim like that.

Let me clear something up: I don’t believe in God but I do believe in Heaven. But not in the Biblical sense. My idea of Heaven is just a big empty space. It’s minimalistic but functional. My Heaven is a democracy and, if you want something to be added to the big empty space (like a tree or a bench or a waterfall), you must get 100 people to sign a petition and then bring it to the Heavenly Congress for approval. Because that is what’s fair for the entire community.

I want to reiterate: I don’t believe in God. Sometimes, when I look up at the stars at night, I think there might be some cosmic force driving this thing we call life. But then I snap out of it. Because when I die, I don’t want to be subject to the whims of some greater God. I want to disappear. Forever. Into the big empty space.

Do I believe in sin? You bet I do. But again, not in the conventional sense. Sinning can be good as well as bad. It’s an ambiguous action. What really makes something a sin is whether you get caught. There are no snitches in my Heaven.

I’ve read parts of the Bible. And yeah, it’s nice, sometimes. But the more I read, the more jaded I become. These silly books with their flimsy notions of fate and destiny. Gimme a break. I believe in one thing: we will all die, and nothing will matter when we do. So keep your religions, your Bibles—I don’t need them. I’m fine where I’m at. Leave me alone.

And now that we’re on the subject— oh, wait, the coffee’s actually kind of good today.

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