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The Brown Noser

Lighthouse Operator Letting Wayward Ships Get Closer And Closer To Rocky Shore Just For The Thrill Of It

Published Friday, November 4th, 2016

Waiting until the last possible moment to turn on the lighthouse bulb to prevent a ship from crashing, lighthouse operator James Wade admitted that he has been letting ships get closer and closer to the rocky shore just for the thrill of it. “I used to be really vigilant about turning on the lighthouse as quickly as possible to usher ships safely into the harbor, but recently, I’ve been getting pretty bored and the only way I can feel anything is if I let the ships get dangerously close to the shore. So close that they almost get crushed to smithereens,” said Wade as he disappointedly watched a ship dock safely in the sea below.

“I thought working in a lighthouse was going to be all glitz and glam,” explained Wade. “The lightbulb is so big I thought turning it on would never get old. But turns out it got old after like four times,” said Wade, as he let a ship get frighteningly close to the craggy shore, sighed, and reluctantly flicked on the lightbulb.

Though Wade maintains that his newfound ritual of letting ships sail inches away from death is harmless, others are less sympathetic. “No one wants to dock in Wade’s harbor,” said local seafarer Chris Davis. “What he does is so dangerous. His is the only lighthouse for miles, so he knows we have no choice but to dock here. He’s toying with us.”

At press time, Wade could be seen shivering with excitement while watching a YouTube video titled “boats being smashed to shards.”

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