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Following over two decades of difficulty with the regulation of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids and human growth hormone, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced today that the league would place an asterisk next to the very idea of playing the sport of baseball in the 21st century.
“After recently discovering that shady businessmen had been distributing biogenic substances to professional, collegiate, and high school baseball stars alike, the league has decided to add an asterisk to the mere notion that one might play the sport of baseball in an honest, authentic way after the year 2000,” Manfred said in a televised press conference. “No matter where or at what level you play the sport of baseball, we find that its very constitution has somehow been compromised. This flaw should be marked for all to see.”
“Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa and Alex Rodriguez have all tested positive for steroids or human growth hormone at one point or another,” Manfred remarked, adding that it’s very likely that there are hundreds of professional and thousands of pre-professional baseball players who have, at one point or another, benefited and still benefit from the use of performance-enhancing drugs. "The very premise that baseball might exist as a respectable pursuit post-9/11 is ludicrous.”
“Even middle school baseball players use these drugs—middle schoolers,” Manfred added. “League officials actively conceal instances of performance-enhancing drugs out of love and respect for the game. This blithe disregard for fair play is what the asterisk denotes. If anyone believes that baseball isn’t directly or indirectly made up of cheaters, they are likely cheaters themselves. Everyone is a potential cheater. Even I, Rob Manfred, might use performance-enhancing drugs, though I wouldn’t tell you if I did.”
As of press time, Manfred had announced that he would legally change his name to Asterisk A. Manfred and that Major League Baseball* could now be referred to as Asterisk Asterisk Asterisk Asterisk Asterisk* (AAAAA*).
