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The Brown Noser

Middle Aged Man Can't Decide Whether He Wants To Get Younger Or Older

Published Friday, October 30th, 2015

On the cusp of reaching his middle age, Daniel Black has yet to decide whether he wants to keep growing older or start to age backwards. Faced with the momentous decision to either continue to decay until his death or gradually revert to an infant state and eventually disappear into nothing, Black has been carefully weighing his options regarding how he’d like to spend his last forty years on Earth.

“I’m coming up on my fortieth birthday,” said Black of the day upon which all people must determine whether they want to continue getting older or start getting younger. “On the one hand, it’d be nice to avoid the march into decrepitude that is aging, but on the other, I really do not want to go through high school again, and I’m not excited about shrinking back down to the size of a baby.”

“Especially now that my mom’s already fifteen years old again,” added Black, of his own mother who elected to start aging in reverse when she arrived at her middle age.

Black’s wife, Melissa, made it clear that no matter which direction Black chooses to age in, she hopes he keeps everything in perspective. “The middle age is a tough moment for everyone,” Melissa said. “Suddenly you have to confront the fact that no matter which direction you choose, you’re going to die in exactly forty years. I’m just praying that he doesn’t blow his retirement fund on a fancy boat or re-enroll in his doctorate program so he can begin to un-learn organic chemistry.”

Black is preparing for his big day by getting himself on a more regular sleep schedule and re-embracing a cavalier attitude towards his health. Aware that his back is either going to start bothering him regularly or his hair will grow back over his current bald spot, Black is taking all necessary precautions.

“We know big or little things are waiting for Daniel here at the office,” said Black’s boss, Richard Lockhart. “He’ll either climb up the corporate ladder or descend back to his place in the mailroom. Personally, I think he should choose to grow young. I might be the boss, but I need glasses to read everything. It’s the worst."

As of press time, Black was leaning towards getting older because he always wanted to play Willie Loman in “Death of a Salesman” at his local playhouse.

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