This Valentine’s Day, American mothers nationwide prepared to send heartfelt messages to lift the spirits of their pathetic, dateless children.
“Roses are red, violets are blue, this Valentine’s Day, I sure do love you!” read a CVS-brand card from Theresa Smith that will soon be found in the mailbox of her lame virgin son, Daniel. “Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetie. You are a wonderful young man that will do wonderful things. Never forget who loves you most in the whole wide world!”
Included with the card was a Share Size bag of M&M’s that Daniel will be sharing with nobody, because he is a sad single loser.
“Remember that true love is patient,” the card continued, as Theresa rubbed salt in the wound regarding her good-for-nothing son’s profoundly hopeless romantic outlook. “Here’s to a wonderful day of friendship and family love! xxoo Mom”
At press time, the nation’s fathers were buying last minute Trader Joe’s roses.

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