According to a report released Monday by the Federal Aviation Administration, every person on all domestic and international flights is gross in his or her own way.
“When we first began our research, we knew that a lot of people on airplanes were gross,” said Michael Huerta, head of the FAA. “Of course, we’re all familiar with the man who keeps on loudly clearing his throat, but we didn’t realize that all people on every flight are disgusting in their own way. We were also blown away by the sheer range of grossness exhibited by passengers.”
The report explains that each airplane is 100% likely to contain at least one guy with his shoes off, one lady eating a smelly meal that she bought prior to boarding, and a minimum of one kid who won’t stop running around and touching stuff that isn’t his.
“We’ve determined that there is a 0% chance of anyone ever boarding a plane and not seeing a guy who keeps on sneezing or a lady brushing her hair and then pulling the hair out of the brush. When I go on planes I sometimes clip my nails, so that’s my particular style of grossness,” stated Huerta. “We’ve also found that every flight in history has had one lady who boards quietly, finds her seat, puts in headphones and seems totally normal, but, as soon as the plane hits cruising altitude, pulls loose boiled eggs out of her purse and starts peeling them.”
Stating that the repulsive habits of crew members had been ignored in prior reports, Huerta noted that there is an entire section focused on how nasty it is when flight attendants hand out drinks while gripping them with their thumbs touching the inside of the cups.
The report concludes by cautioning against putting something in your seat-back pocket before checking what’s inside, as there are often disgusting wrappers and napkins left by previous obnoxious passengers.