Stating that no other club on campus could discourage and demoralize students on such a fundamental level, a report released Wednesday concluded that Undergraduate Finance Board meetings are the best place at Brown to simulate applying for and getting rejected for a loan.
“When I first came to Brown, I felt there was something missing,” said student Tess Fredericks. “Everyone was always saying ‘yes’ and making me think I could achieve all of my dreams. UFB helped squash that. It’s nice to get a taste of cold, hard economic realities while I’m still an undergrad.”
The report concluded that at no other place on campus could a group of students sit around a table and deliberate whether or not to give clubs money that isn’t theirs in the first place.
“The really incredible thing about UFB is that they manage to reach a level of bureaucracy and disorganization that I only thought was possible in the real world,” continued Fredericks. “The first step is meeting with a UFB representative that does not know anything about your club and somehow less about the rules and procedures of UFB itself. After that extremely unhelpful and frustrating meeting, you are required to register 24 hours before the next full board meeting to plead your case, despite the fact that these meetings are two hours long and could accommodate any number of walk-ins. It’s thrilling to get caught up in all that red tape.”
The report further explained that after the registration process, applicants can come to meetings to publicly explain why their group needs funds, while not questioning why 12 people in their early 20’s are the ones in charge of making these decisions.
“After all of this, there’s this amazing part, where the board members condescendingly explain to you why you do not in fact need any of the money you requested in the first place,” Fredericks concluded.
At press time, UFB was seen cutting the entirety of the Noser’s budget. Goodbye forever.