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The Brown Noser

Slay, Mama! Werk Queen! That Hoodie Is Boots! by Your Friend Who Watched One Episode Of Drag Race

Published Friday, October 29th, 2021

Hi king! I haven’t seen you all semester! I hope things are going gorgeously, sis, and that your classes are serving knowledge the schoolhouse down. How am I? Well, I just watched my very first episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race last night — by the way, that hoodie is boots!

The theme of your day must be Hoodie Eleganza Extravaganza because you’re bringing it to the ball. By ball, I mean Ruth Simmons Quad. And by it, I mean your athleisure realness. Come through, Outdoor Voices!

Hold on, do I see a T-shirt under that hoodie? Are you going to do a Ru-veal? That would go down in campus HERstory as one of the most iconic fashion slays of all time! Oh, you don’t want to take off your hoodie rn? Sounds like your inner saboteur is getting the best of you, hunty. You’re relying on pretty, but we all wanna see some vulnerability. It doesn’t matter if your face is beat for the gods or not if you can’t make Ru laugh.

Where are you going? Oh, you’re late for class? Yaas! CS15 is about to gag on your body-ody-ody because you’re giving them a comfy groutfit moment they’ll never forget. Stunt on those Javascript bitches!

Hon, getting on that bike… I see it! You’re about to have legs for days. What’s on the menu? Legs! Don’t feel like you have to hide those beauties behind a floor-length gown or Outdoor Voices joggers, because you are what? Sickening! Put on your helmet too, mawma, get into that safety-first geish!

Wow, you’re biking faster than I can walk! If I keep this up my waist will be snatched like yours in no time and I’ll serve more fish than the Providence River! Klonk! That was a tongue pop. You know, like in Drag Race! I practiced this morning.

Oh okay, bye… way to read me for filth… Oh, hey Hanna! How are you doing? I haven’t seen you all semester. Your headband is giving yaaaas! Okuuurrrrr!


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