As the new year settled in last month, thousands of New Year’s resolutions to not violently storm the Capitol were instantly broken.
“I really came into this year hoping to debut the new me,” said Seamus Beardsman, who had just returned from storming the Capitol. “This was really going to be the year I got in shape, cut back on sweets, and avoided terrorizing government property.”
“I had gotten through the first few days of January just fine,” continued Beardsman, rubbing off a faded ‘DO NOT STORM CAPITOL’ reminder from his hand which he had applied in black Sharpie on New Year’s Day. “January 1st, no storming. January 2nd, no storming. I considered it on January 3rd, but traffic was pretty bad that day so I just sat inside and peddled QAnon conspiracies on Reddit. But then came the 6th and those doors looked so stormable! I guess I’m weak because, the next thing I knew, there I was rooting around Congress and experiencing the sweet bliss of domestic terrorism.”
“I just remember thinking, ‘aw crap!’ as soon as I started rummaging around Nancy Pelosi’s office,” Beardsman went on. “The Beardsman family men are known for their willpower. But as my granddaddy always said: if at first you don’t succeed at not storming the Capitol, try, try again.”
At press time, Beardsman added ‘get off the no-fly list’ to his list of resolutions.