Grinding her hand uncomfortably across her family’s golden retriever, local toddler Mary Phillips was petting the dog’s fur against the grain like an absolute moron. “It’s hard to watch,” said Phillips’s mother Jeanne, while her daughter smiled and laughed as if petting the dog this way was a completely normal thing to do. “I want to reprimand her, but I guess she’s not technically doing anything wrong. Still, it feels like only some kind of dummy would pet a dog like that. I know Daisy will be fine, but something about this feels wrong on a really visceral level.” At press time, Phillips could be seen letting the dog lick her face way too much.

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