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The Brown Noser

Vote. This Is The Most Important Election Of A Lifetime by Pam Green, Organizer Of The Woodbury County Giant Pumpkin Contest

Published Friday, October 30th, 2020

This Fall, we face a truly historic decision. I’m sure you have all been following the news and need not hear it again from me, but it bears repeating: for the first time in the recent history of the Woodbury County Harvest Festival, we are opening up the judging for our annual giant pumpkin contest to you, the people. So please, vote. This is the most important election of a lifetime.

To all the young people reading, please take this election seriously. The last time we opened up this contest to community voting four years ago, a bunch of teens campaigned for a gourd that looked like a penis. May I remind you of the stakes of this election: the winning pumpkin will sit outside of city hall until Christmas. This year, librarian Karen Greeley submitted a fairly large gourd, and bless her heart, she does not know that it looks, well… very phallic. As a county, we do not want, cannot have, and must stand against any efforts to repeat the disgusting events of four years ago.

A giant pumpkin is more than just a really big pumpkin; it’s a symbol for our fine county. We deserve a giant pumpkin that little kids can look up at and say, “Wow, I didn’t know pumpkins could get this big! Pam sure did a swell job organizing this year’s contest!” not “Let’s never let Pam organize this contest again because that gourd looks like a G. D. penis!”

I have spent every waking hour this year making sure this giant pumpkin contest would be fun. I got yummy food. I made sure the festival is COVID safe. I begged the Harvest Festival planning committee to allow the community to vote for the giant pumpkin again. And I will NOT stand for any efforts to undermine the sanctity of our democracy by voting for a gourd that looks like a big member!

This isn’t a joke. My reputation and the reputation of our beautiful, family-friendly county is on the line. I cannot stress to you enough how important this election is.

Oh and when you’re done voting for your favorite giant pumpkin, make sure to vote Green Party this November!

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