Partly Cloudy, 64°
Hello there! Congratulations, boy-o, you’ve saved the 4th of July Parade! Your reward? A day in your honor, free milkshakes for life, and of course the highest honor of all: the key to the city!
Okay, great. Now that you have the key, will you please, please, please let me out of this box?
Because of your heroic actions that stopped that wicked bandit from stealing the wheels off of all the parade floats, our town had a magnificent, splendiferous celebration of Independence Day. Hurrah, we shouted at the fireworks! Happy day, we sang in a chorus as we marched two-by-two down our grand avenue!
Okay so what you’re gonna do is look on the underside of the key’s leather case. There you’ll find the coordinates of my current location. You’ll go to these coordinates… You know what, I’ll just tell you. I’m in a box in the basement of city hall. I was there cheating on my wife when it closed on me. Just come and get me, would ya?
Joyous day! The bandits have been vanquished and our town is shining brighter than ever! My beautiful wife made ooey-gooey taffy for all the children to celebrate! Yum-aroo! I sure do love her!
Look, don’t judge me, kid. I just need to get out of this box. I was having an affair with Mrs. PolkaDotty the Town Busybody. She’s stuck in this box too and she’s annoying the fuck out of me. I know that as soon as we’re out of the box, she’s going to run her mouth to Mrs. Molewart, the schoolmarm, but I don’t even care. I have to get out. We all make mistakes. You’ll be my age too someday, and your sex life will dry up and your kitchen will fill up with disgusting taffy in its place. I can’t eat any more taffy, HELAINE. A man has needs. Alright, I’m getting off topic, just PLEASE come down the stairs in the back of City Hall and unlock this stupid fucking sex box and you can have all the milkshakes you like.
Hip hip hooray! Join me in three more cheers for our jolly hero! Though he may be only a young boy, he’s shown the bravery of the biggest, strongest soldier. Good on you son, enjoy the key. Put it on your mantle for all to marvel at! But first, use it to let me out of this goddamn box.
Enjoy the summer carnival next week, everyone. Bandit-free, guaranteed! Huzzah!
